


love again

by ootn



Series: could you love me? [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Growth, First Date, Fuckbuddies To Lovers, M/M, Mild Trauma, Past Relationship(s), Phone Sex, Porn With Plot, Relationship Development, Sexual Content, Smut, chenle silent companion best friend, donghyuck overexcited best friend, jeno is a soccer playing fratboy but we still love him, jisung emotional support best friend, literally every single type of smut u can think of is probably in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ootn/pseuds/ootn
Summary: jeno and jaemin went from fuckbuddies who hate each other to... whatever this is. jeno wants it to be more. jaemin’s not ready to move on from his past.or,it took a long time for jeno to break down jaemin’s walls. it’s going to take longer for jeno to help jaemin love again.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: could you love me? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724893
Comments: 29
Kudos: 191





	love again

**Author's Note:**

> this was never supposed to be this long... someone smash my fingers ❤️
> 
> this is the conclusion to the can you love me? series, but i dont think anyone knows of it as that and its the conclusion to good in bed & physical. i truly do not know what to say at this point because at this point the other two parts were just bonus scenes because somehow this turned into a piece of WORK that i never intended to happen??? if you read the previous two parts, i know that this took fucking ages to write but i didnt realize how much i wanted this story to be until i started and then... i couldnt stop lol
> 
> i really hope that if youve been following this at all that its a satisfactory conclusion, and if u havent and this is the first thing ur reading, its ok i hope u like it too!! u dont really need to read the first two parts to understand and they add some perspective but theyre mostly just pwp hehe
> 
> also my disclaimer that im not used to writing anything plot driven (does this even count??) so bear with me i did my best!!
> 
> either way ... if u like this i would love to know 🥺 thank u for reading this. its very smutty (like 70% smut i think) but theres some merit behind it lol character growth matters to me. i hope yall love jaemin as much as i did writing this. if u actually read all 27whatever-k words of this drop ur addy i’ll send u flowers. even if u didnt thank u so much for giving this fic and me a chance!!!

Donghyuck lets out a low wolf-whistle the second that he spies Jaemin, walking toward their table in the coffee shop. They always meet here on Thursdays, under the ruse of studying, but rarely does any actual studying happen. It’s just an excuse to get together, all of them, and gossip without feeling too guilty about blowing off their homework.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, but his cheeks turn pink as he throws himself into a chair across from Donghyuck and Jisung, next to Chenle. “Shut up,” Jaemin says, but he’s holding back a smile. 

He knows exactly why Donghyuck is acting this way, and he can’t blame him. He’s told his friends time and time again that he can’t _stand_ Lee Jeno, that he wants nothing to do with him, that he only ever puts up with him because he fucks him right. They all know he’s lying, because if that were true, Jaemin wouldn’t be walking into the café right now with a shy, embarrassed, almost _dopey_ smile on his face, nor would he be wearing something that so obviously shows off the approximately one trillion marks Jeno left all over his neck and chest last night. If that were true, Jaemin’s head wouldn’t be full of all the things Jeno told him he felt, all the things Jaemin finally admitted to Jeno that _he_ felt. Simply put, if that were true, Jaemin wouldn’t still be seeing Jeno at _all._ They can pretend, though.

Chenle acts like he doesn’t see Jaemin and Jisung looks up from his phone briefly and gives him a tiny smile before returning to whatever he’s doing. Jaemin really appreciates the utter lack of interest from the younger boys. Not. But he can’t blame them, either— He highly doubts either of them are too fond of getting in the middle of a discussion between him and Donghyuck over a guy Jaemin supposedly hates and yet can’t stay away from.

“You’re still seeing him?” Donghyuck asks, wiggling his eyebrows, and Jaemin snorts.

“Who said anything about him?” He’s only delaying the inevitable, but still, he can’t give up to Donghyuck _that_ easily, it’ll go to his head. 

“Jaemin, you look like someone went to _war_ on your neck. I know a whole, hmm, _one_ person who you would let do that to you. Who even would want to. Do you think his mouth hurts after all that?” 

Jaemin opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what to say. Chenle, bless him, says “Hyuck, you’re being loud.” Not very helpful, but whatever. 

“You’re just jealous,” Jisung chimes in, finally turning his phone off, and Donghyuck blanches. 

“Excuse me?” 

Chenle grins. “He’s right, you know. You’re just pissed that Jaemin is getting fucked on the regular and you’re still pining after a certain Huang Renjun.”

“Okay, now you’re being loud,” Donghyuck hisses, and Chenle shrugs.

“I think the whole world knows you like Renjun. I’m not saying anything no one’s ever heard before. I seem to recall a particular event where you were _belligerent_ and climbed on top of a table and professed your undying love to him. And everyone else.”

Now it’s Donghyuck’s turn to shrug. He’s nothing if not prideful, and Jaemin doesn’t think ‘embarrassed’ is in his vocabulary. “I’m just jumping the gun a little. He’ll come around.”

“I think he’s scared of you,” Jisung says off-handedly. “You might be not embarrassed, but he probably doesn’t want to be associated with your dramatic ass.” 

“Whatever,” Donghyuck says, disgruntled, and he turns his attention back to Jaemin. 

“I’m surprised you’re still letting him hit it. Aren’t you guys, like, mortal enemies? I mean, hate sex is good, but it can’t be _that_ good. I’m surprised you haven’t killed him yet.”

Jaemin bites his lip. He should tell them, he thinks, he should tell them about Jeno and Jeno’s feelings and maybe even his own. Is he ready for that? Probably not. He knows his friends would be supportive, but vocalizing anything about this situation to anyone but Jeno is… Scary. It makes it real, and he’s not ready for that. Besides, he knows how his friends would react to news of him even considering dating someone, thanks to his last boyfriend. 

“Hello?” Donghyuck asks, snapping his fingers in Jaemin’s face, and Jaemin startles out of his stupor.

“Sorry. What?”

“I was asking why you haven’t put Jeno six feet into the ground by now. Very unlike you to a. let someone fuck you on a near regular basis—”

“It’s pretty regular,” Jisung mutters, and Donghyuck ignores him. 

“And b. let him mark you like that. Wasn’t that supposed to be a one time thing? Aren’t you like… Black widowing these guys? Fucking them and then never talking to them again?”

“That is not what I do,” Jaemin protests, and Chenle raises his eyebrows. 

“Jaemin, you don’t save their numbers in your phone, and after you hook up, you block them.”

“So? Is it a crime to have a one-time thing?”

“You’re getting distracted from the real issue,” Donghyuck interrupts, “Why are you letting Mr. Perfect come back? What’s so special about him? Oh my god, is it his dick? Is it _that_ good? It must be, that’s the only reason I—”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jisung says, and Donghyuck actually listens. Jisung turns his attention back to Jaemin, cocking his head. “He’s right. What makes Jeno different from all those other guys?”

“How big is his dick?” Donghyuck asks, tactless as always, and Jaemin blushes.

“It’s pretty big,” he says quietly. “But that’s not the point. It’s… I don’t know,” he trails off helplessly, because he really _doesn’t_ know why Jeno is so important to him, why he’s the only one who’s managed to get through to Jaemin and make him believe that someone cares, that he isn’t just using him. 

He’s saved by the bell, maybe, because right when Donghyuck looks like he’s about to say something else, Jaemin’s phone dings. He reaches into his pocket for it, grateful for any excuse to interrupt this interrogation, and— Speak of the devil. It’s a text from Jeno, because why wouldn’t it be? 

“Who is it?” Jisung asks, and Jaemin mumbles “No one,” typing a quick response and turning his phone off, but not before Chenle leans over and gets a good look. He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything, and Donghyuck cocks his head at the two of them. 

“Who is it?” 

“It’s no one,” Jaemin repeats, but then his phone lights up again. For a second, he forgets he’s with his friends, he forgets what he hasn’t told them, he forgets everything. A small smile makes its way to his lips and then his eyes, and before he realizes what’s happening Donghyuck is reaching across the table and ripping his phone out of his hands.

“Donghyuck, please,” Jaemin begs, but it’s too late. Donghyuck is already scrolling through their message thread, and normally he wouldn’t mind, because he shares _everything_ with his friends— Everything except this.

“Jaemin, chill, I’m just trying to figure out who’s got you smiling like a lovesick fool so that I can threaten to put my foot up their ass if they—”

Donghyuck’s eyes widen, and he stops talking for a moment. It takes a lot to get Donghyuck to shut up, and this… This is bad news. He looks at the phone, and then back at Jaemin, who looks near tears already, then at the phone, and finally at Jaemin again. “Do you like him?” 

Jaemin doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t _want_ to say anything. This is too much for him and he wants to leave, wants everyone to shut up and pretend Jeno doesn’t exist. He feels some rustling next to him, and then Chenle grabs his hand, squeezing it gently. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. 

Donghyuck puts the phone down and Jisung snatches it from him, sliding it across the table back to Jaemin. Jaemin doesn’t even touch it, because he doesn’t want to, it’s contaminated now. He’s ruined everything.

“Jaemin, are you seeing him? Like, for real?” Jisung breaks the silence, and Jaemin shrugs helplessly. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I— He—” A tear rolls down his cheek and Chenle wipes it off with his free hand. Jaemin hates everything about this. He hates that he doesn’t know what to say to Jisung, he hates that he’s lying to all of his friends about his feelings, he hates that he’s so scared of _everything—_ His feelings, Jeno’s feelings, _Jeno,_ telling his friends what’s going on, having to confront his past— But most of all, he hates that he’s crying, and he hates that it’s because of Jeno.

“I can’t do this here,” Jaemin says eventually, staring down at his hands. “I can’t. I need to go home.” He knows that the other boys are exchanging furtive glances and silent messages, communicating over his bowed head, but he doesn’t care. 

“I’ll walk you home,” Jisung says eventually, and Jaemin just nods at him, still not looking at anyone. Chenle squeezes his hand again and then lets go, and Donghyuck says softly “I’m sorry, Jaemin.”

Jaemin isn’t even mad at Donghyuck, he’s mad at himself, but he doesn’t have the energy to explain that right now. Jisung gets up and pulls Jaemin to his feet, grabbing both of their backpacks. “Let’s go, Jaem,” he says quietly, and Jaemin follows him obediently.

The walk to Jaemin’s apartment is awful and silent, but he’s grateful that Jisung is with him. Jisung, his best friend since ever, who takes his keys from him and unlocks his door for him because he knows Jaemin is crying too much to see. Jisung, who manages to get their coats and shoes and backpacks into some semblance of an order while Jaemin paces in circles around his living room. Jisung, who finally says “Jaemin, let’s talk about it,” laying on the couch and opening his arms to him. 

Jaemin goes to Jisung and melts into him easily, and he feels safe. Jisung’s arms have always been a safe place for him, maybe the only safe place. _Except for Jeno,_ Jaemin thinks, and then he bites down on his lip so hard he almost draws blood. Jisung tucks his head into Jaemin’s shoulder and it’s comforting, familiar. Except Jaemin can’t stop thinking about Jeno doing the same thing, only a few nights ago.

“What’s going on?” Jisung asks, his breath warm on Jaemin’s ear. Jaemin closes his eyes.

“I don’t know,” he says after a while, and Jisung sighs.

“Jaemin, that’s not true. You do know, you’re just scared to say it. But you have to, Jaem, you can’t let this eat you up. So tell me what’s going on.” 

Jaemin fidgets a little and Jisung squeezes his arms around him briefly to get him to stop. “I do like Jeno,” he says finally.

“I figured. Have you told him?”

Jaemin nods. “Yeah, it’s just… He likes me too.”

They’re both quiet for a while, until Jisung speaks.

“That’s a good thing, Jaem,” he says quietly, and Jaemin squirms a little. 

“I just don’t know,” he says, again, and Jisung sighs, again. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Jaemin, you know I love you more than anything. I love you so much. And I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what. And… I think it’s okay if you let this thing with Jeno happen.”

Jaemin is silent.

“I know that you’re scared after what happened last time. I know. But Jeno isn’t Mark, and he’s not going to do that to you.”

“How do you know?” 

“Jaem, there are a lot more people in this world that are good, nice people, than there are complete assholes like Mark. And Jeno… I think he’s one of the good ones. Really. Practically anyone on campus would tell you that, and that has to mean something.”

Jaemin raises a hand to his mouth, and he starts to bite his nails but Jisung gently pulls his hand back down. 

“I thought that about Mark, too,” Jaemin says quietly. “I thought he was one of the good guys. He made me believe he was, you know? And then I was so in love with him that I just let him manipulate me for years, Jisung. You and Hyuckie and Lele kept trying to tell me that he was taking advantage of me and I didn’t care, I didn’t believe you. I don’t want that to happen with Jeno, or anyone. Ever. It’s fucking scary, Jisung, because I know if I fall for him and he ends up just like Mark I’m not going to be able to leave, and that’s… That’s probably going to destroy me.”

Jisung is quiet for a while. Jaemin is okay with it. He doesn’t expect Jisung to have an answer to everything he just unloaded on him. 

“Jaemin, I understand,” Jisung says eventually. “I won’t ever understand exactly how you felt or what you went through, but I’m your best friend and I swear to god, Jaemin, when someone hurts you it hurts me too. I know you’re scared, but you cannot let that rule your life. If you never give anyone else a try because you’re too scared it won’t turn out, then Mark wins. He wins, because he still has control over you even now. And I know you don’t want that, and Jaemin, I know that deep down you don’t think Jeno is a bad guy. I think that you know that he _is_ a good guy, but you’re still holding back because of all that shit Mark planted in your brain. And none of it is true, Jaemin. None of it. Give Jeno a chance. You like him, and he likes you. This is good, Jaemin. He likes _you._ Give him a chance.” 

“Maybe,” Jaemin says softly. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can we sleep?” 

Jisung snorts a little, but he responds “Yeah, we can. Thank you for talking to me, Jaem.”

Jaemin doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t have to. Jisung kisses Jaemin on the head and lets himself fall asleep. 

⭑

_Knock knock knock._

Jaemin sits up, startled, and rubs his eyes. Jisung mumbles “Stop moving,” but Jaemin says “Sungie, there’s someone at the door. Did you tell Hyuck or Chenle to come over?”

Even half asleep, Jisung shakes his head. “No, Hyuck has plans and Chenle is studying.”

“Huh,” Jaemin mutters, but then there’s another knock on the door so he makes his way over and opens it without checking to see who it is.

He immediately regrets that decision, because it’s _Jeno,_ in the flesh, who barely gets a “Hey” out before Jaemin slams the door shut on reflex and just stands there, frozen. 

“Is it Jeno?” Jisung asks from the couch, because who else would make Jaemin lose complete control over his senses like that? Jaemin just nods. His mouth is slightly open, eyes wide. What is Jeno doing here?

“Jaemin, relax, it’s just me,” Jeno says, muffled through the door. As if it could ever be _just_ Jeno. As if Jeno is _just_ anyone else showing up at his door. 

“Open the door,” Jisung orders, but Jaemin can’t move. He rolls his eyes and gets up from the couch and opens the door himself, smiling welcomingly at Jeno and gesturing for him to come in. 

“Sorry about that,” Jisung says, and Jeno steps into the house hesitantly, looking at Jaemin questioningly. Jaemin looks away. 

Jeno hands his jacket to Jisung when he extends his hand for it. He looks quizzically between Jaemin and Jisung, but then Jisung nudges him toward the couch and gives him a _look,_ so he sits down obediently. “Just a second,” Jisung says sweetly, and then he tugs Jaemin into the kitchen.

“What was that about?” Jisung hisses, and Jaemin just blinks at him. Now that Jeno is out of his sight, he’s suddenly able to speak again.

“I don’t know,” he says desperately, “I just, I don’t know how to talk to him if we aren’t having sex.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. “There’s no way that’s true. Didn’t you, like, confess your feelings or something?” 

“Yeah, but that was after we had sex!” Jaemin whines, and Jisung rolls his eyes. 

“Talk to him. Go. I’m leaving, you can call me after. Okay?” 

“No, Sungie, wait,” Jaemin tries, but in less than thirty seconds Jisung has already gathered his things, waved goodbye to the two of them, and stepped out the door. 

Jaemin feels incredibly small as he steps into his living room again— His own damn living room!— and he feels like Jeno’s eyes are boring holes into his skull. 

“Hey,” he whispers, looking at his feet, and Jeno says “Hey.”

There’s an awkward silence, and then Jeno says “Jaemin.” Jaemin’s head whips up at the sound of Jeno saying his name, and Jeno smiles at him. “Do you want to come here?”

Jaemin doesn’t respond, but he does plop down on the couch next to Jeno, still scared to look at him. Jeno doesn’t seem to mind, and he takes Jaemin’s hand. He lets Jaemin unwind, calm down, and after what feels like an eternity (at least to Jaemin, but he doesn’t know that Jeno doesn’t mind the silence at all), Jaemin utters “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Jeno says, squeezing his hand, and he reaches with his other hand to turn Jaemin’s head toward him. 

“Jeno—”

“Hey, it’s okay. Jaemin, it’s okay. I told you we would take this slow, right?”

“What is… ‘This?’’’ Jaemin whispers, and Jeno gives him a small smile again. 

“It’s whatever you want it to be. Jaemin, I don’t care about… Labels, or titles, or anything. I just want to be with you. I like you, and I think you like me too. We don’t have to think about anything more than that right now. Okay?” Jaemin bites his lip. “What happened to the Jaemin that almost killed me the first time I showed up here?” 

Jaemin laughs a little, despite himself, and he feels himself start to let his guard down a little. 

“Sorry,” he says again, “I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to… Do this. I don’t really know what to do if we aren’t having sex. I’m… Out of practice.”

There’s a lot that’s underlying in his response, and Jeno knows this, so he treads carefully. “Me too. I haven’t really dated anyone since, like, high school.”

Jaemin seems surprised by this. “Really?” he asks, seeming genuinely curious, and Jeno nods. 

“Is that such a shock?”

“I mean, kind of! You’re…” Jaemin doesn’t know the word he’s looking for and he gestures aimlessly at Jeno. “You’re you!”

Jeno raises an eyebrow. “That’s true, but that’s not that much of an appeal to most people, you know. I mean, people like me, but usually they only hang around because they want something from me.” 

“That’s not true,” Jaemin says immediately, and Jeno cocks his head at him. “I—”

“You what? You hung out with me because you genuinely liked me and you didn’t just want to fuck me?” He doesn’t say it in a mean way, and Jaemin is surprised by how genuinely lighthearted Jeno seems about the whole thing. He flushes nevertheless.

“Sorry,” he says, and Jeno says “No, I’m sorry. That was unfair. I did the same thing.” 

Jaemin shakes his head. “Can we not get into this? Yet? I think I need to see my therapist before we do.” He grins sideways at Jeno so that he knows he’s joking, and Jeno seems to get it, and he doesn’t push him any further. 

Jeno laughs. “It’s okay. I was just at my friend’s house and I wanted to stop by and say hi ’cause…” He shrugs. “I just wanted to see you.” 

Jaemin blushes. “Thanks.”

Jeno grins. “You’re welcome.” It’s quiet, and then he adds, “I don’t have any plans.” Jaemin cocks his head and blinks at him. What is that supposed to mean?

“Do you want to have sex?” 

Jeno laughs again, and he squeezes Jaemin’s hand. “We can, if you want. Or we can watch a movie or something. Whatever you want to do.”

_Whatever he wants to do._ Now _that_ is a wonderous thing to Jaemin, because no one has ever given him _options_ before. Maybe Jeno really is one of the good guys. But he already knew that, didn’t he?

Jaemin ponders this for a moment, and then he announces “Okay, let’s watch a movie.” He busies himself with finding the remote and turning the tv on, navigating to Netflix, and he misses the way that Jeno watches him with literal hearts in his eyes. 

Jaemin is so _cute_ when he’s being himself, when he’s comfortable around someone, the way he hums a little, absentmindedly, how he pulls his knees up to his chest while he’s scrolling through the Netflix directory. Jeno snaps out of it when Jaemin turns to him and asks “What do you want to watch?”

They settle on a horror movie, and Jaemin discovers that Jeno is not quite as unaffected by it as he assumed he would be. A little ways into the movie Jeno puts his arm around Jaemin, like they’re in fucking high school or something, but Jaemin appreciates it all the same and cuddles up next to him. Jeno falls for the jump scares, and Jaemin watches him, amused, and lets Jeno squeeze his thigh when he’s anticipating one. 

When it’s finished, Jaemin _really_ doesn’t want to move. So he doesn’t. He lets the credits roll and turns onto his back, laying his head in Jeno’s lap and pulling his phone out, trying to appear as casual as possible, but his heart is beating a little too fast. Jeno seems mildly surprised, but pleased nevertheless, and he takes to running his fingers through Jaemin’s hair as Jaemin scrolls mindlessly through his phone. It’s comfortable. It’s nice.

“I have to go,” Jeno says regretfully, after a while, “I have practice in the morning. Maybe we can get lunch after?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jaemin says, “Practice for what?”

Jeno raises an eyebrow. “Soccer.” 

Jaemin fake-groans. “Of course, you _would_ be an athlete, too. Is there anything you aren’t good at?” 

“Watching scary movies,” Jeno points out, and Jaemin laughs. “I have a game on Saturday, though. You should come, if you want.”

Jaemin nods. Jeno gets to his feet and Jaemin follows suit, leading him to the door and handing him his coat. Jeno steps outside, and he turns around to say “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” 

“Okay,” Jaemin responds, and Jeno grins at him. And then, before he can even think about what he’s doing, Jaemin steps onto the porch too, grabbing Jeno’s shirt and kissing him. It’s just a quick kiss, but it lingers, and both of them turn a little pink.

Jeno clears his throat. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says. 

“Okay,” Jaemin says again. Jeno gives him one last smile before he makes his way down Jaemin’s steps. At the end of the block, he turns back to see Jaemin still watching him from the doorway and he gives him a tiny wave. Jaemin returns it, and then Jeno turns the corner and he’s gone. 

Jaemin is still smiling like an idiot even after he closes the door.

⭑

“Jaemin, you need to relax. It’s just a game! You don’t even have to _talk_ to him for any of it. Just sit and watch. What’s the big deal?” 

Jaemin gives Chenle a pained look. “People are going to _see us,”_ he hisses, and Chenle shrugs.

“So what?”

“So everything! Jeno is, like the most popular person on campus, seriously, that’s why I hated him so much—”

“You never hated him,” Chenle mutters under his breath and Jaemin pretends he doesn’t hear him before continuing.

“And if people see us together, they’ll talk, and I’m… I’m not ready for people to ask me if I’m dating _the_ Lee Jeno.”

Chenle cocks his head, evaluating Jaemin. He’s breathing heavily, and he looks like he’s about to tear his hair out, and something clicks in Chenle’s mind.

“Jaemin, I don’t really think that’s true,” he says slowly, and Jaemin looks at him incredulously. 

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t think you’re scared of people asking if you’re dating Jeno. I think you want them to, even if you’re shy about it, because you like him _so_ much. I think the problem is that you’re scared Mark will hear about it.”

Jaemin says nothing, fidgeting with his fingers and refusing to look at Chenle.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” 

“You’re right,” Jaemin whispers to the ground, and Chenle sighs. “I hate this, Chenle, I really do. I don’t want to admit it any more than you want to hear it, it’s just… He fucked me up, Lele,” he finishes quietly. Chenle reaches to take Jaemin’s hands in his own, rubbing his thumbs over the back of them soothingly.

“Jaemin, the truth is, he is going to hear about it at one point or another. But you can’t let that stop you from doing what you want with who you want. You can’t let Mark be hanging over your head during every relationship you have, because then you’ll never be happy. No one expects you to just ‘get over’ Mark anytime soon, Jaem. He fucked you up, bad, and it’s okay to admit that. It’s _brave_ to admit that, just like it was brave of you to come to us when you finally realized how awful he was to you. But you can’t let him dictate everything you do now. You’re your own person. And if Mark tries to get into your head about it, you tell one of us, okay?”

“Hopefully he just stays the fuck away from me,” Jaemin mumbles. He pauses, then adds “I think Jeno could fucking end him if he wanted to.”

Chenle snorts. “Probably,” he says, and Jaemin sighs.

Just like Chenle said, it really is _just a game,_ and Jaemin has fun. He drags Donghyuck along, who swears he only agreed to come to provide moral support but Jaemin suspects it has more to do with the fact that Huang Renjun is the assistant coach to the boys’ soccer team.

Jeno is a fucking _ace_ at soccer, of course he is, and Jaemin is so far past being surprised that he skips right to being proud. 

He is, however, a bit surprised after the first half when Jeno jogs over to him, looking like he’s already won the match.

“You came!”

Jaemin grins. “I said I would, didn’t I?”

Jeno shrugs. “I’m just glad you’re here. You doing anything after?” 

“Besides entertaining this idiot?” He surreptitiously gestures toward Donghyuck, who mocks scorn. “No, not really.”

“Great. We should eat. Celebrate our victory.” 

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “You better not be all talk, Lee Jeno,” he says, and Jeno sticks his tongue out at him teasingly. There’s a whistle, and Jeno looks over his shoulder briefly to see his team gathering.

“I’ll find you again after.” He turns to Donghyuck. “Do you want to come, too?”

“What’s in it for me, other than watching you two lovebirds flirt in front of me and share a drink?” 

Jaemin elbows him in the gut and Donghyuck laughs.

“I dunno,” Jeno says nonchalantly, “I was thinking of asking Renjun to tag along. You _are_ the Donghyuck he’s always talking about, right?” 

Donghyuck’s jaw drops. “You’re lying,” he hisses, and Jeno gives him a somewhat mysterious look.

“Guess you’ll have to come to find out, won’t you?” He winks at Jaemin and then heads off to join his team, leaving a very pleased Jaemin and a very flustered Donghyuck behind. 

“Is he serious?” Donghyuck demands, wrapping his fingers around the edge of the bleachers so hard his knuckles turn white.

“I don’t know,” Jaemin says, and he’s telling the truth. Jeno has never mentioned Renjun to him, so he’s just as in the dark about this as Donghyuck is. 

“He had better hope for his sake that he is,” Donghyuck mumbles, still glowering at Jeno’s back, and Jaemin rolls his eyes.

As it turns out, Jeno _is_ serious, and when they all pile into Renjun’s car after the game (which they do win, after all), he subtly shoves Donghyuck toward the passenger’s seat and pulls Jaemin with him into the back. Donghyuck glares at both of them, but he climbs into the seat next to Renjun anyway. Jaemin is practically on top of Jeno, despite the face that he stinks, and they wait with bated breath for the two to _finally_ introduce themselves.

“Hey,” Renjun says, and Donghyuck responds with a “Hey” of his own. 

“It’s nice to properly meet you,” Renjun continues, “Usually when people profess their love to me they actually wait around to find out my response.”

“And does that happen a lot?” 

“You’d like to know that, wouldn’t you?” They stare at each other for a sliver of an eternity, until Jeno clears his throat and they snap out of it. 

“Let’s go,” Renjun says, to no one in particular, and once he’s put the car in drive he places a hand on Donghyuck’s thigh. Donghyuck inhales sharply, but Jaemin can tell he’s thoroughly pleased, and he glances up at Jeno to see his reaction. All Jeno does is raise his eyebrows.

Dinner is a success, Renjun and Donghyuck hit it off right from the moment the four of them sit down, and at the end of the night they ask the waitress to split the bill accordingly— Jeno and Jaemin on one, the other two on the second. 

Once the waitress collects their cards (Jeno’s and Renjun’s, at least), Donghyuck and Renjun disappear off to “Get something from Renjun’s car” aka, make out in the bathroom, and Jaemin settles into Jeno’s side, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“They’re cute,” he says fondly, watching as Donghyuck grabs Renjun’s ass and Renjun shrieks, feigning disgust and swatting his hand away, and Jeno hums in agreement. 

“They are.”

Jaemin looks up at him. “Does he really talk about Donghyuck that much?” 

Jeno smirks. “He only needed to once. He asked me if since I knew you, I knew Donghyuck, and that was enough.”

Jaemin mulls over this for a bit, and then something strikes him. “You told him about us?” 

Jeno turns to look at him, lifting Jaemin’s chin off his shoulder. “I just told him we were… Spending time together?” Even he knows that sounds like a lie, and Jaemin laughs. 

“It’s okay. Obviously I told my friends. I guess it’s just… Nice to hear that. Makes it feel real. Makes it feel like it’s not all in my head.” Jeno grins at him and kisses him briefly. 

“It’s not all in your head,” he says softly, and Jaemin smiles at him. They’re interrupted by a cheer, and they both turn belatedly to see Donghyuck and Renjun making their way back to the booth looking… Well, disheveled, to say the least.

“Look at you two,” Renjun crows, and Jeno rolls his eyes.

“We aren’t the ones who just left to dry hump in the restroom.”

Renjun shrugs. “So?”

⭑

Jaemin wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing. He squints at the screen, expecting it to be Hyuck, or even Chenle because it’s a Friday night and they’re the rowdiest of the bunch, and usually Jaemin has to walk to wherever they are and help them home. Right now, though, it’s Jeno. 

Jaemin is too tired to overthink, for once in the entire time he’s known Jeno, so he hits answer and says “Hello?” wondering why the hell Jeno is up at this hour.

“Jaemin!” Jeno’s voice is tinny through the phone and Jaemin can hear what he can only describe as _ruckus_ in the background. He nearly hits himself because he forgot that Jeno was part of a frat, no doubt the reason Jeno is partying this hard. 

“Hi,” Jaemin replies groggily, sitting up, “What’s wrong?” 

Jeno laughs, heartily, at nothing, and it makes Jaemin smile. “Nothing~” he drawls, “I miss you.”

Jaemin snorts, more awake now. “I’m sure you do,” is what he responds with, and he scoots back up against his headboard, pulling his knees to his chest as he listens to Jeno mumble something unintelligible to someone before shouting into the phone again.

“I really miss you, Jaemie, I wish you were here,” he coos, and Jaemin laughs again. 

“You’re drunk, Jeno.”

Jeno makes a sound of distaste. “So?”

“So, you’re just saying this because you’re out of it and you won’t even remember it tomorrow.”

“I’ll remember,” Jeno says solemnly. “I swear.” 

“Okay,” Jaemin responds. He notices the sudden change in the background of Jeno’s call, which has shifted from the usual rowdiness of a frat house on a Friday night to… Nothing. “Did you leave?” 

“Yesss,” Jeno answers, somewhat sluggishly, “Wanna see you. I miss you,” he says for the billionth time, and Jaemin raises his eyebrows. 

“Do you even know where you are?” 

“Yes!” Jeno insists, sounding determined, “I’m coming to see you. Soon, Jaemie.” Jeno has never called him that before, in fact, he’s never really called Jaemin a nickname of any kind, and it makes his face heat up every time Jeno does. 

“Let me come get you,” Jaemin says, already getting out of bed, pulling on sweats and a zip-up before rushing into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He makes an attempt at flattening down his hair, but it’s a lost cause. Jeno stays on the line all the while, seeming content to hum quietly to himself (and to Jaemin) as he meanders down the road. “Where are you?” Jaemin asks as soon as he’s out his front door, and Jeno hesitates before answering. 

“I don’t know,” Jeno admits guiltily after a beat, “I’m sorry, Jaemie.” 

“It’s okay, Jeno. Can you share your location with me?” 

Jeno doesn’t respond, but then Jaemin’s phone dings. 

_Jeno: Started sharing location with you._ Jaemin clicks on the notification and finds that Jeno is not very far at all, in fact, he’s only a block away in front of a park. “I’m coming to you,” Jaemin says into the phone, and Jeno hums in acknowledgment. It’s only a couple minutes before Jeno is within eyesight, and he hears both directly in front of him and through his phone when Jeno shouts excitedly, “Jaemin!”

“Be quiet, people are sleeping,” Jaemin scolds him, hurrying over to him, and Jeno throws his arms around him. 

“What people?” Jeno mumbles into Jaemin’s shoulder. 

“The people who live on this road, Jeno.” Jeno pulls away, and without missing a beat, kisses Jaemin square on the mouth. It’s surprisingly nice, actually, even though Jeno is very sloppy and tastes like alcohol. Jaemin makes an attempt to pull away, but Jeno reaches to cup Jaemin’s face in his hands, reluctant to let him go. After a minute, he finally does let go, and he takes Jaemin’s hands in his. “I miss you,” Jeno says, _again,_ looking at Jaemin _very_ seriously. 

“I’m right here,” Jaemin responds, and Jeno beams. 

“My Jaemie,” he sing-songs, almost to himself, and Jaemin’s heartbeat speeds up. Even though Mark made it fairly clear that he thought Jaemin was his property, he never said anything like that to Jaemin, and he’s surprised by how much he likes the sound of it. It doesn’t sound possessive at all, actually, it sounds more hopeful than anything. Jaemin lets go of one of Jeno’s hands to brush some hair out of his face, and Jeno leans into the touch. “Jaemie,” Jeno repeats, nuzzling into Jaemin’s hand, and Jaemin moves it immediately because all of a sudden he’s flustered. Thankfully, Jeno is drunk enough that he doesn’t notice how quickly Jaemin removes his hand or the inner turmoil he’s going through. 

“Let’s go home, okay?” Jaemin asks, or rather tells, and Jeno nods, intertwining his fingers with Jaemin’s and letting him lead the way back to his house. It’s a quiet walk, but it’s nice, because Jaemin kind of likes Jeno clinging to him like this. When they get there, Jeno makes a beeline for Jaemin’s bedroom, throwing himself onto the bed on his back.

“No,” Jaemin says sternly, doing what he can to get Jeno back off the bed. He reaches to grab Jeno’s hands and pull him back up, but Jeno pulls back and then Jaemin is lying on top of him and he can’t move. 

“You’re so pretty, Jaemie, so pretty,” Jeno murmurs, and then he wraps his arms around Jaemin and starts to kiss him, mouthing messily up his jaw. Jaemin stops him when he gets to his ear and, though every bone in his body is telling him not to, he presses his hands against Jeno’s chest to prop himself up again and get off of Jeno.

Jeno makes an unhappy whine, but Jaemin rolls his eyes and says “Jeno, you need to get ready for bed.” It seems like the commanding tone he uses works, because Jeno peels himself off of Jaemin’s mattress and lets Jaemin pull him into the bathroom. He has Jeno sit down on the toilet lid while he rummages around for some makeup wipes, and when he gets them, he orders Jeno to close his eyes so that he can wipe off his eyeliner. He tries, briefly, to get Jeno to brush his teeth, but even drunk Jeno doesn’t want to use Jaemin’s toothbrush. Frankly, Jaemin doesn’t want him to either, and he makes a mental note to get a spare for Jeno. And then he nearly has a heart attack wondering what that thought means, but he can’t dwell on it because Jeno looks like he might just fall asleep on the toilet. Jaemin drags him back into his bedroom, where he wrestles his clothes off (“Jaemie, are you—” _“No,_ Jeno, I’m just putting you in pajamas, work with me please”) and manages to get him into some of Jaemin’s clothes that are more worn and therefore provide much more give for Jeno’s body to fill them out. Jaemin tries not to notice his nice Jeno’s body looks, though he definitely already knew, but there’s something different about how Jeno’s chest looks with Jaemin’s too-tight shirt on it. He tucks Jeno into bed, and when he doesn’t immediately get into bed next to him, Jeno huffs. “Lay with me, Jaemie,” he begs, and Jaemin nods.

“I will, okay, but let me get ready for bed first. Just relax, I’ll be there soon. Promise.”

“Okay,” Jeno says in a small voice, burying himself under the covers, and Jaemin smiles at him for a moment before getting ready for bed himself. He debates changing in the bathroom, but then he decides it doesn’t matter because he already undressed Jeno tonight. Jeno has seen him naked enough times anyway, and plus, he’s drunk. 

When Jaemin finally climbs into bed with Jeno, Jeno whispers “Jaemie, let me hold you, please” and he wouldn’t have even had to ask but Jaemin thinks it’s sweet that he did. He scooches over closer to Jeno, letting Jeno wrap his arms around his waist tight and bury his face in Jaemin’s neck, kissing it lazily. He doesn’t get very far, though, because after a beat his lips stop moving and Jaemin knows he’s out. 

There’s a lot going through his brain right now, but mainly the fact that Jeno called him when he was drunk because he _missed him_ and all he wanted to do was kiss and hold him. Jaemin is no stranger to late night booty calls, but this was… The exact opposite of a booty call, and he knows Jeno won’t remember a thing but it still means everything to him. 

Maybe it’s best that he doesn’t remember, anyway.

When Jeno wakes up, it takes a minute for him to remember where he is and what’s going on. For one, it’s mid afternoon, and for two, he’s in Jaemin’s bed, but Jaemin is nowhere to be found. He rubs his eyes, sitting up slowly and running a hand through his hair before he finally gets up. He shuffles over to Jaemin’s mirror, and, well, he was definitely wearing eyeliner last night, but there’s not a trace of it on his face anymore. He’s also _definitely_ not wearing his own clothes, but rather some that are distinctly Jaemin-esque. Something occurs to him and he checks below the waistband of Jaemin’s pants and sees that he’s still in his own underwear, which is a relief. At least, he thinks. 

Jeno trudges down the hall and into Jaemin’s living room, where he finds Jaemin curled up on the couch, reading. He looks up when he hears Jeno, and he smiles at him. 

“Morning, sunshine,” he says, and Jeno groans.

“What happened last night?” He’s red, because he’s embarrassed, he _never_ gets that drunk and he’s mortified to think of what he might have done to Jaemin that resulted in him waking up in his bed.

Jaemin pretends to pout. “You swore you’d remember,” he whines, and Jeno flushes even more. 

“Oh, god,” he mumbles, covering his face with his hands, and Jaemin laughs. 

“I’m kidding, Jeno. Nothing happened, you called me in the middle of the night because you _missed me,_ and then I had to come find you because you got lost walking to my place.”

“Did I—”

Jaemin cuts him off. “You didn’t do anything. You kissed me, and I brought you home, and you wouldn’t sleep unless I cuddled with you, so we cuddled. And I had to change your clothes and take your makeup off.”

Jeno nods slowly, processing everything. Turns out, Jeno isn’t the insatiable horny asshole he feared he would be when he was drunk, which is a relief. Still, he feels bad to have done that to Jaemin. 

“I’m sorry,” he says sheepishly, “I don’t get drunk very often. I also don’t… Call people in the middle of the night because I miss them very often, either,” he adds, and Jaemin smiles. 

“I’m not used to late night phone calls that _aren’t_ booty calls, so it was actually nice,” he admits. He pauses, and then he snickers. “And you’re an absolute baby when you’re drunk. It’s cute.”

Jeno glares at him and Jaemin smiles, feigning innocence. It’s quiet for a beat, and then Jaemin asks, “So, you wanna get pancakes?”

⭑

Jeno takes to hanging around Jaemin’s apartment a lot, and with that comes a lot more talking, a lot more _getting to know_ one another that Jaemin thinks falls into the category of ‘dating.’ Or are they still just ‘talking?’ For someone who supposedly doesn’t care about labels, Jaemin finds himself wondering about them a lot. He also thinks that he learns just as much about himself as Jeno does in their time spent together, but Jaemin doesn’t linger on this surprising path of self-discovery that being around Jeno has set him on. He just _lets it happen,_ just like Jisung said.

It also comes with a _lot_ of making out and some heavy petting and nothing more, because even though they’ve fucked a zillion times they’ve gone about it all wrong, started at the end of the road. They hadn’t ever even _kissed_ up until a week or so ago, so they still have a lot to learn about one another in the intimacy department. Jaemin figures out what to do with his tongue and Jeno figures out what to do with his hands, and it works. They work. They work perfectly together, and they each figure out fairly quickly (and easily) what the other likes.

It’s one day, a couple weeks into their newfound arrangement (they’re still fumbling around with the specifics and what everything means, but it’s working for them), that Jeno starts to undo Jaemin’s pants and Jaemin just shuts down. He wants to say that he doesn’t know what’s different now, but that would be a lie— He knows exactly what’s different now. What’s different now is that there are _feelings,_ out in the open, and Jaemin isn’t sure how he feels about somewhat unfamiliar combination of _sex_ and _feelings._ It’s not that he’s never had sex with someone he liked before— It’s just that the last time he did that, it was Mark, and that was a dumpster fire.

Jaemin stops kissing Jeno back, stops letting his hands wander, and he just… _Lays_ there, completely pliant on the couch with Jeno hovering over him, just waiting for Jeno to get on with what he’s doing. It’s not that he doesn’t want this— It’s that he doesn’t know _how_ to want it.

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, concern filling his eyes, and Jaemin bites his lip. He’s a lot better now about holding eye contact with Jeno when he’s being vulnerable, a lot better at letting Jeno read him, and he isn’t quite sure what’s showing in his eyes as Jeno searches his face for whatever’s going through his head.

“I don’t know,” Jaemin says, which is a lie, and Jeno sighs. 

“Jaemin.”

Jaemin gives him a pleading look. “Just keep going. It’s okay, I want you to.”

And Jeno of course does the opposite, moving his hands from Jaemin’s hips to his face, kissing him softly before pulling away again. 

“I know you want to, Jaemin, but you need to show me. You have to let me know somehow, because I’m not going to let you just lay here and do whatever I want, if that’s what you think is going to happen.” Jaemin lets his eyes wander around the room, because suddenly it’s too hard to look Jeno in the eye, and Jeno sighs again. 

“Jaemin, I can’t do this if you won’t work with me. I can’t.” Jaemin looks at him again, and this time he cups Jeno’s face in his own hands. Jeno rearranges them, sitting upright on the couch and pulling Jaemin into his lap before continuing. “I like you a lot, I care about you so much, but if I have to break down a wall every time I want to be intimate with you, I can’t. I know you’re scared, I know you’re hurting, still, but please. If you want me as much as I want you… Is it too much for me to ask you to show it?”

“You’re right,” Jaemin says quietly. “You’re right. This isn’t fair to you. I do want you. I want this. I want to be… Intimate with you. For real, like, with feelings and everything.” He laughs a little and Jeno smiles. 

“Jaem, everything is fine, I promise. I just want you to be open with me. Transparent. If you want me, show me. If something’s wrong, tell me. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Jaemin says. “Okay. I promise.”

Jeno smiles at him. “Thank you.” 

Jaemin smiles back. “You’re welcome.” Suddenly, something occurs to him and he hesitates, and then he says shyly “Wait, let me do something.” He slides onto the floor on his knees, between Jeno’s legs, reaching for his zipper before Jeno even has time to react.

“Jaemin—”

“No, listen. You said you want me to show you and I will.”

“I didn’t mean—” 

“I want to, Jeno. Really. I told you, I’m not very good at stuff when I’m not… Just let me suck your dick, Jeno!” 

Jeno laughs a little. “Okay, Jaem. Only if you want to.”

“I do,” Jaemin whines, “I do.” He unzips Jeno’s jeans and Jeno reluctantly lets him. Jaemin pulls Jeno’s cock out, stroking it a few times and leaning down. 

Jeno lets out a little breath when Jaemin licks at his tip once, twice, three times. Jaemin sits back for a moment, pumping Jeno’s cock and grinning. And then he leans back in, swallowing him down and hollowing his cheeks. Jeno places his hands delicately on Jaemin’s head, stroking his hair and letting out low moans as Jaemin sucks him off. Jaemin is _good_ , and Jeno is either so pathetic or so horny or maybe he just likes Jaemin _so_ much, but regardless it doesn’t take too long for him to realize that he’s about to cum.

“Jaemin, baby,” he murmurs, and Jaemin meets his eyes but doesn’t stop. Jeno hisses. He doesn’t _want_ to cum down Jaemin’s throat— Actually, he does, but not _now,_ not the first time Jaemin has sucked him off— But Jaemin seems to have no intention of stopping, so he does. Jaemin pulls off of him when he’s done, smirking. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno says, a tinge of exasperation in his voice, and Jaemin climbs back into his lap, smiling.

“What? You didn’t want to cum down my throat?” he asks mockingly, and Jeno shakes his head. 

“Not… The first time,” he protests, and Jaemin rolls his eyes.

“You’re sweet,” he murmurs, kissing Jeno on the forehead. “Can we take a nap? I’m sleepy.”

Jeno laughs, “Sure,” and Jaemin gets up and pulls Jeno to his feet, tugging Jeno toward his bedroom as Jeno stumbles after him. When they get there Jaemin leaps into bed, waiting impatiently for Jeno to join him. “Come _here,”_ he demands, and Jeno chuckles, running a hand through his hair. 

“It’s getting late, Jaem,” he says, and Jaemin scowls.

“So what? Come take a nap with me, _baby,”_ and Jeno is a sucker for Jaemin in any situation, but particularly right now when he’s calling him ‘ _baby,’_ so he gets in bed with Jaemin despite his better judgment.

Jaemin snuggles up close to him, wrapping his arms around him and resting his head on Jeno’s chest. 

“I really like you, Jeno,” he says sleepily, and Jeno smiles to himself.

“I really like you, too, Jaemin.”

Jaemin stirs awake some hours later, rubbing his eyes and trying to remember what happened. He’s still in his t-shirt and jeans from before, and the space next to him is still warm. _Jeno._ Jeno came over, and then… He blushes. But Jeno isn’t here anymore, and he pouts to himself. He’s not sad— Well, actually he is, just a little, because it’s been so long since he’s fallen asleep with someone and it was so nice.

But then the door to the hallway opens and Jeno steps in, and Jaemin lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Jeno seems to realize he’s up, and he says “Sorry, I was thirsty. I kind of helped myself, if that’s okay.”

Jaemin laughs a little. “It’s fine. You’ve been here a hundred times, you can get a glass of water if you want. Or anything else. Why didn’t you turn the hallway light on?”

Jeno shrugs, climbing back into bed. “Didn’t want to wake you up.” He reaches for Jaemin again, who melts into him easily, and they lay in the quiet for a while.

“I’m hungry,” Jaemin whines after a moment, and Jeno squeezes him gently. 

“Do you want to eat?”

“Kinda,” he laughs, “What time is it?” 

“Where’s your phone?” Jaemin reluctantly pulls away from Jeno again, feeling around his bed table until he feels his phone. He squints at the screen because it’s too bright, ignoring the zillion texts from his friends wondering where he disappeared off to. “11:30,” Jaemin says, dropping his phone and laying back down next to Jeno. “What’s open?”

“The noodle place.” 

“I think there’s a lot more than that.”

“Noodles,” Jeno repeats, and Jaemin rolls his eyes.

Jaemin props himself up on one elbow to look at Jeno, and he realizes that Jeno is staring at him with… Adoration? It almost gets him flustered, and he whines “Stop,” pouting at him.

“Stop what?” Jeno asks, grinning, and Jaemin scoffs.

“Looking at me like that,” he says, and Jeno grabs his waist, pulling him close and pressing their hips together. 

“Why?” 

Jaemin shrugs. “It makes me feel weird,” he mumbles, and Jeno kisses him on the forehead. 

“You mean, like, butterflies?” Jaemin narrows his eyes. 

“Let’s not be tacky,” he says drily, and Jeno kisses him again. 

“Don’t be shy, baby,” he coos. “You wanna eat?” 

“Yeah,” Jaemin decides, kissing Jeno this time, and he gets up, rummaging through his closet for a jacket. 

“Just wear mine,” Jeno says from the bed, and Jaemin spins around to raise an eyebrow at him.

“And what are you gonna wear?” 

“I don’t get cold easily.”

“It’s eleven at night, Jen. It’s cold.”

“It’s fine,” Jeno insists, and Jaemin rolls his eyes. 

“You just want to see me wearing your clothes.”

Jeno grins. “I do. I’d give you my shirt but I don’t think I can go into restaurant without one on.”

Jaemin snorts. “Let’s go, then,” he says, prancing out of the room and letting Jeno follow him at his own pace. 

When Jeno makes his way down to Jaemin’s living room he finds Jaemin sitting on the couch in his jacket, which looks just a little too big on him and makes Jeno’s heart do a funny little flip. He doesn’t have time to linger on it, though, because as soon as he sees him Jaemin jumps up and tugs him out the door.

The restaurant is only a couple blocks away, and Jaemin fills the walk with conversation surprisingly easily. Jeno is more than happy to let him. At some point, Jeno reaches for Jaemin’s hand, and he lets him, and it feels like everything just falls into place.

Neither of them have been on a _date_ in a while, and Jeno isn’t even sure if this counts as a date, but he doesn’t care. He’s just happy to be with Jaemin in any capacity, especially just knowing that _Jaemin_ is comfortable with this, comfortable with walking with him to get cheap food in the middle of the night, comfortable letting Jeno pay for his meal, comfortable stealing Jeno’s drink and being loud and rambunctious and fun.

Jeno deposits Jaemin at his front porch about an hour and a half later, post one successful meal and walk home. Jaemin unlocks his door and turns to Jeno, seeming to hesitate before he asks shyly, “Do you want to stay?”

They end up in bed again, together in just their underwear, per Jaemin’s insistence, and it’s _nice._ It’s been a while since they’ve been like this, naked skin on naked skin, because they still haven’t fucked since they started… Dating? Jeno doesn’t want to jinx it, but he thinks they’re dating. He told Jaemin he didn’t care about labels or anything, and that’s true, kind of, but he also wants to make it clear to anyone who’s watching that Jaemin is _his,_ and he is Jaemin’s. 

He ends up kissing Jaemin’s neck softly before sucking lightly on the junction between his neck and his shoulder, making Jaemin inhale sharply. But he doesn’t protest, doesn’t ask Jeno to stop, so Jeno just continues, kissing and licking and biting to his heart’s content.

Jaemin knows he’ll have to deal with Donghyuck about this tomorrow, but he doesn’t care. He lets Jeno hold him, lets Jeno mark him, lets Jeno worship his neck and make his breathing shaky. 

It just feels right.

⭑

Jaemin is feeling brave today, and he leaps at it because today is a day where all he needs is Jeno, all he needs is to feel Jeno all over him to feel okay.

Jeno looks up as soon as Jaemin steps out of the bathroom, and of course his jaw drops a little, because Jaemin is in front of him, bare and beautiful.

“Come here,” he says, and Jaemin does, lying on his back and letting Jeno arrange himself on top of him, where he knows Jeno likes being.

“What do you want from me, sweetheart?” 

“I want you to touch me,” Jaemin whispers.

So Jeno does. They’re in bed together for what feels like forever, just _touching,_ and nothing has ever felt so right to Jaemin. He tells Jeno to touch him everywhere, and Jeno does without even thinking. His hands are everywhere, and Jaemin thinks that maybe he could cum from that alone, because it feels so _good._

Jeno’s hands are in his hair, between his thighs, brushing over his chest, grabbing his ass, smoothing over his eyebrows, tracing down his sides, ghosting over his neck, and then when his hands aren’t enough, Jeno starts pressing his lips over every inch of Jaemin’s skin.

It makes Jaemin ache, in the best way possible.

Jeno’s hands find their way back to Jaemin’s ass, of course, and Jaemin absolutely loves it. Jeno mouths at Jaemin’s collarbone, and he pulls away for a moment to ask “Can I finger you?” Jaemin bites his lip and nods. 

Jeno grins, kissing his neck and grabbing the lube from Jaemin’s bedside table that Jeno knows from experience is there. 

Before, when they had sex, fingering Jaemin was just a way to make sure that he was _ready_ for Jeno as quickly as possible. Jeno’s never fingered Jaemin just because, and ever since the first time they were in bed together Jeno has wanted to. He wants to _ruin_ him, wants to watch him fall apart below him.

Jeno pushes one finger inside him at first, and for some reason it’s kind of sweet, because before, Jeno would just start with two fingers and go from there because it wasn’t about making Jaemin feel good, it was about prepping Jaemin and nothing more. Now, everything is about making Jaemin feel good.

Jeno is slow about adding more fingers, and slow with moving them, too. But he does so with purpose, aiming for his prostate every time. Jaemin looks up at him with lidded eyes, letting his hands wander up Jeno’s chest and over his shoulders. He hesitates, then he tweaks Jeno’s nipples, making Jeno let out a tiny whine that Jaemin absolutely _loves._

And Jaemin does fall apart, whimpering and moaning like Jeno has never heard him before, because he always knew that Jaemin held back when they were together either to preserve his own ego or stop from inflating Jeno’s.

When Jaemin cums he pulls Jeno closer, kissing him as his hips buck up into Jeno’s fist while he simultaneously pushes himself down on Jeno’s fingers. It feels so _good,_ and Jaemin has never cum on anything but Jeno’s cock before, so this moment means something to both of them. 

And then, because he can, Jeno doesn’t stop, he just keeps stroking Jaemin past his orgasm and into another, making Jaemin shake and whimper and dig his nails into Jeno’s back. He cums again and his eyes flutter shut, feeling lethargic and euphoric at the same time, because Jeno knows exactly how to work his body. The overstimulation wears him out, but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Jeno falls on top of Jaemin when he’s finished, nuzzling his face into Jaemin’s chest and letting Jaemin place his hands absentmindedly on Jeno’s head, stroking his hair gently. After a while, Jaemin becomes aware of Jeno’s hardness against his leg, and he smiles a little to himself. 

“Let me get you off,” Jaemin says quietly, and Jeno raises his head to look at him. “It’s okay, I can—”

“What, jack off in the bathroom? No, let me,” Jaemin insists, “Let me.”

“I know you’re tired, baby,” Jeno says softly, and Jaemin gives him a small smile.

“You can put it between my thighs,” he murmurs, and Jeno’s eyes widen. 

“Really?” he asks, like an excited little boy, and Jaemin huffs out a laugh. 

“Sure, Jen,” he responds, “Just get off of me for a second.” 

Jeno sits back on his haunches and Jaemin flips himself over, pushing his ass into the air but keeping his face buried in the pillows. He hears Jeno unzipping his jeans and opening the lube again and then he places his hands on Jaemin’s hips gingerly, asking “You good, baby?” 

“I’m fine,” Jaemin reponds tiredly, “I’m good. Just do it before I’m too weak to make it enjoyable for you.”

“It would be enjoyable no matter what you did,” Jeno murmurs, and then he slides in between Jaemin’s thighs.

Jaemin does his best to keep his thighs pressed firmly together, he does, but every time that he feels Jeno brush over his sac he whimpers and pushes his face further into his pillow. Eventually Jeno has to take matters into his own hands, literally, placing them on the sides of Jaemin’s thighs and pressing them together gently, which is a relief to Jaemin because he feels too worn out to do it himself. Thankfully, it doesn’t take Jeno long to cum, and when he does, it’s all over the backs of Jaemin’s thighs.

Jaemin lets himself fall into a pile on the bed, half-asleep already, and he starts when he feels Jeno start to wipe him down. He’s too tired to do anything, though, and he’s pleased when Jeno (presumably) throws the towel he used somewhere around the room and flops down on his stomach next to Jaemin, slinging an arm across his back. They’re both asleep soon after that.

⭑

“So, like, did you like it, or…”

Donghyuck glares at Chenle. “It was fine, I _guess,_ but I’ll have to get used to it. I mean, he’s really good, but I’m not used to… That.”

“Power bottoms exist, Hyuckie, don’t forget,” Jisung says, and Donghyuck makes a face. 

“Yeah, but I want to… I want to fuck _him,”_ he laments, and Jaemin shrugs. 

“So why don’t you?” 

“He’s not used to bottoming!”

“Neither are you,” Chenle points out, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes. 

“I just want to do what he likes,” he admits quietly, and Chenle coos at him. 

“So sweet, Hyuckie,” he says, and it comes off incredibly patronizing. Jaemin pretends to be checking his phone as Donghyuck reaches across the table and tries to smack Chenle, who fights back, and then they’re brawling, basically.

He’s not pretending anymore, all of a sudden, because he gets a text from Jeno that just says _Attachment: 1 image._ Jeno has been away for the past couple days, and he won’t be back for another three, because his soccer team placed high in the rankings and now he has championships. Jaemin opens it, half his attention on the screen and half of the fight in front of him, so it takes him a second before he realizes what he’s looking at. 

“I have to go,” Jaemin blurts out, “I’ll see you guys,” and then he’s gathering his things, haphazardly shoving them in his bag as he fumbles to get out of the coffee shop. Everyone pauses, looking at him, alarmed.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung asks, and Jaemin shakes his head furiously.

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just, I promised Jeno I’d call him and I totally forgot,” he lies, and no one seems to buy it, but they nod nonetheless. 

“Have fun,” Donghyuck calls to Jaemin’s back as he bolts, and Jaemin waves behind him without looking back. “How much do you wanna bet that was a dick pic he just got?” he murmurs to Chenle and Jisung, and luckily Jaemin doesn’t hear it, otherwise he’d be dead meat.

Jaemin _runs_ home, and thankfully the coffee shop isn’t far because he’s definitely already getting hard. As soon as he’s inside, he slams the door, locks it, runs into his bedroom and locks _that_ door, too, and closes the blinds. Then, with shaky hands, he calls Jeno.

Jeno picks up after the first ring, and Jaemin doesn’t know what to say. Luckily, Jeno does, and he greets him with a “Hey, baby.” His voice is lower than usual, and Jaemin swallows. 

“That was so mean, Jeno,” he whines, and Jeno hums in response. 

“I’m sorry, baby, but I had to get your attention.”

“You could have just asked!” 

Jeno laughs. “Yeah, but that’s not as fun. I like hearing you all flustered like this.”

Jaemin doesn’t really know how to respond, but Jeno doesn’t miss a beat. “Do you miss me?”

“I miss you so much, Jen,” Jaemin whispers. 

“Have you been thinking about me?” 

Jaemin nods before remembering that Jeno can’t see him. “Every day,” he replies in a small voice.

“I’ve been thinking about you too, angel,” Jeno murmurs, “Every day. Every night, too. I miss your body, baby.” 

“Jeno…”

“It’s true, baby. You’re so beautiful, so pretty, so _sexy.”_ Jaemin bites down on his tongue. “Wish you were here right now, under me.” 

“I want that too, Jen,” Jaemin replies, voice shaky. “I miss you a lot.”

“Is that it?” 

Jaemin chews on his lip. He knows what Jeno wants him to say, and he wants to say it, but it’s… Hard. Admitting to Jeno how badly he wants him, _needs_ him, even, means breaking down one more wall between them. But Jaemin wants that, so he tells Jeno what he wants to hear. 

“I miss you fucking me,” he says quietly. He hears the way Jeno inhales sharply, and he smiles to himself.

“I miss fucking you,” Jeno responds, “I miss having you under me. I miss listening to you moan for me. _Because_ of me.” 

Jaemin whimpers. “Jeno…”

“Do you want to touch yourself?” 

“I wanna,” Jaemin answers, so quiet that Jeno nearly misses it. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, I do, Jeno.” Jaemin hears the distinct sound of jeans unzipping, and he swallows hard. It’s quiet for a minute, and then Jeno speaks again.

“I want you to touch yourself, then,” Jeno says, and his voice sounds more strained than before. 

“Okay,” Jaemin whispers. He hesitates, and then he sets the phone down so he can slip out of his pants and underwear. He picks the phone up again, and he asks, “What do you want me to do?” 

“Sweetheart, you want me to tell you?” 

“Yeah, I do. Please.” Jaemin feels so… _Weird._ But a good type of weird. He’s never been so submissive before, but for some reason, Jeno sexting him in the middle of the day, Jeno talking _dirty_ to him like this, the slightly commanding tone his voice has taken on over the phone… It’s doing a lot of things to Jaemin, and all he wants is to be good. Good for Jeno. 

“I want you to finger yourself,” Jeno orders, and Jaemin is reaching for lube before he even realizes it. He opens it, slicks his fingers up, and then hesitates. 

“How many?” 

“How many do you want?” 

Jaemin whines again. 

“You can tell me, baby, it’s okay.”

“I want three,” Jaemin exhales. “I want three fingers, Jen.” 

“You can, baby, put them in, it’s okay.” 

“All at once?” Jaemin asks helplessly, and Jeno laughs endearingly. 

“You can take them all at once, can’t you? I know you can.”

He’s right, and Jaemin is a little nervous for some unexplainable reason, but he does it anyway. Jeno can only hear some rustling, followed by one of the loudest moans Jeno has _ever_ heard him make. 

“Is it that good, baby?” 

Jaemin whimpers. “It’s a lot, Jen, it’s a lot.”

“Do you feel good, though?”

“I feel really good,” Jaemin cries, fidgeting a little while he wiggles around and tries to get himself to adjust to the feeling of _three_ fingers in his ass all at once.

“You’re being so good,” Jeno coos, “So good for me, baby.”

Jaemin makes another helpless noise and starts to thrust his fingers in and out, breathless and panting into the phone. “Tell me—” Jaemin starts, before pausing abruptly, embarrassed.

“Tell you what, sweetheart?” 

“Tell me… Tell me what you’d do to me.” 

Jeno moans into the phone. _“Fuck,_ baby, you don’t even know,” he mumbles, and Jaemin sighs in pleasure as he continues to fuck himself back on his fingers.

“What would you do to me?”

“I’d fuck you _hard,”_ Jeno responds. “I’d ruin your pretty little body. Make you cry like a whore and fuck you until you scream.” Jaemin moans, thrusting his fingers in harder. 

“I want it so bad,” Jaemin cries, close to tears, “Jeno, Jeno, can I touch myself? Please, Jeno, I need it. I need you.” 

“Of course, angel, you’re being so good for me,” Jeno praises, and Jaemin preens. He lays his phone across his chest and moves his other hand to his cock, stroking himself as he continues to move his fingers inside him. Jeno grunts, and he mumbles “Jaem, sweetie, I’m gonna cum, can you moan for me? I wanna hear you, need to hear you, baby.” 

“Yeah, I—” Jaemin breaks off into a moan, just like Jeno wanted, because he’s moving both of his hands faster and he feels like he might just explode with pleasure. “Jeno, Jeno, Jeno,” he chants, and then he cums, spilling all over himself and arching his back before collapsing back on the bed. Jeno lets out a groan at almost the same time, and Jaemin knows he’s cum when all he hears on the other end of the phone is Jeno’s light panting. 

They lie in silence for a while, catching their breaths. This time, it’s Jaemin who speaks first.

“Holy shit, Jeno,” he whispers into the phone, and Jeno chuckles tiredly. 

“Yeah. Holy shit.” He hesitates. “I’m sorry. I should have asked.” 

“It’s okay,” Jaemin replies, “Really. It was fine. It was… Exciting.” He chuckles and Jeno does too. It’s quiet for a little while longer, and then Jaemin speaks again. “How are you?” It feels so… Boring to ask that, and slightly intimate, too. But he does want to know, and he really does miss Jeno. 

“I’m good. We’ve been playing well and we’re still going strong. I think I’d be better if you were here, though.” 

Jaemin scoffs. “If you had told me earlier, I would have come. I could have made it work.” 

“I know,” Jeno says, “But… I was worried it was too fast. I mean, flying across the country, just to see me play, staying in a hotel together…”

“Sounds nice,” Jaemin interrupts him. “I like watching you play. Plus, if I was there, we’d be together. We wouldn’t have to do this. You could fuck me,” he adds, teasing, and Jeno laughs. 

“True,” he says. “But I just…”

“We’re dating, aren’t we?” 

Jeno is quiet for what feels like an eternity. “Are we?” he asks, and he sounds so hopeful, so sincere, that Jaemin doesn’t even think before what he says next. 

“Jeno, you practically live at my apartment, I bought an extra toothbrush for you to use when you stay over, plus, you called me in the middle of the night when you were blacked out and you didn’t even _try_ to fuck me. You just wanted to hold me. I think we’re dating.” 

“Do you really mean that?” 

“I do, Jen.” 

Jeno pauses. “You never told me what happened when I called you that night.” 

Jaemin laughs. “Nothing, really. You called me and you tried to walk to my place, but you got lost— Which I knew you would— So I had to have you share your location with me so I could bring you home. You wanted to make out on the sidewalk, and we did, a little, but you were so drunk I had to get you home before you passed out. I got you home and I got you ready for bed, and then myself, too, and… You just wanted to hold me. That was it.” He hesitates. “It was nice,” Jaemin finishes quietly. “I thought you were just going to try to fuck me, but you didn’t want to. You just wanted to be with me.”

“I’m sorry, Jaem,” Jeno says, “I shouldn’t have done that to you. I should have—”

“Jeno, are you kidding? That’s the nicest drunk phone call I’ve ever gotten. I’m happy you trusted me enough to take care of you when you were drunk. And like I said, it wasn’t a booty call, and that means a lot.”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Jeno says eventually. 

“Any time,” Jaemin responds, and he means it. 

⭑

“Do you want to come home with me for break?” 

Jaemin looks up from his phone, eyes wide. “Back to Incheon?”

Jeno shrugs. “Yeah. You don’t have plans, do you?”

“I don’t, but… You want me to meet your parents?” Surprisingly, he’s not as freaked out by the concept as he thought he would be. What he _is_ freaked out by, still, is what this means for him and Jeno. As much as he wants to make it official with Jeno, labels and all, past _dating,_ he’s still, _still,_ dealing with the remnants of whatever trauma Mark left him with. Jeno knows this, and he sits down on the bed next to Jaemin, stroking his hair.

“We don’t have to tell them anything about us. Just say you’re my friend. It’ll be fun, right?”

“Okay,” Jaemin says after a while.

“And… I would like you to meet my parents, too,” Jeno admits. Jaemin looks up at him questioningly and Jeno just grins. “They’ll like you.”

Jaemin flips over onto his back, laying his head in Jeno’s lap. “Are you courting me, Lee Jeno?” he demands, and Jeno just laughs.

“I just want you to come home with me for break. Will you?”

“Yeah, I will.”

It’s surprisingly easy to get comfortable in Jeno’s hometown.

His parents are very nice and they seem thrilled to have him, and Jaemin feels a little flare of pride even when Jeno introduces him as just “his friend.” Being _anything_ to Jeno means everything to Jaemin, and he’s happy that Jeno feels he’s important enough to introduce to his parents. 

Jaemin meets some of Jeno’s friends, too, a handful who have also come home for break, and he loves them all because _of course_ they’d be friends with Jeno, they’re all alike him in one way or another. They go on a lot of walks and Jeno takes him to all of his favorite places, telling him stories about his childhood all the time. There’s a story that accompanies every place Jeno brings him to, and it’s enthralling to Jaemin, the way that Jeno opens himself up so freely to Jaemin.

They stay together in Jeno’s old bedroom, despite Mrs. Lee’s insistence that Jaemin take one of Jeno’s sister’s rooms, and Jaemin thinks he sees a light go off over her head when Jeno reassures her that it’s fine, they’ll both stay in Jeno’s room. Jaemin blushes a little but other than that it’s smooth sailing. He’s pretty sure Jeno’s mom saw right through their little “just friends” act the moment they stepped through the door. And it is an act, because whenever Jeno’s parents are gone and they aren’t with company they’re on top of each other, going at it like they’re in high school again, messing around in their parents’ houses.

“Jeno,” Jaemin mumbles when Jeno pulls away from him mid-make out on the couch in the living room, and Jeno hums in response.

“You wanna go to my room?” he asks, removing his hands from where they’ve been shoved up Jaemin’s shirt, and Jaemin nods, so that’s where they go, hardly able to keep their hands and lips to themselves even through the short walk down the hall to Jeno’s bedroom. 

Jeno lays Jaemin down in the middle of his bed, crawling over him and making sure he’s comfortable, and Jaemin starts to panic. He’s taking everything in— This town, this house, this _room,_ everything it means to Jeno, everything it now means to _him,_ he’s staring at Jeno’s walls and looking at bad collages of photos with ugly snapchat filters of Jeno and his high school friends, he’s noticing the picture tucked into the corner of Jeno’s vanity mirror of him and his sisters, he’s realizing that he’s _here,_ right in the middle of Jeno’s whole growing up, and he bursts into tears.

Jeno is alarmed, obviously, and he seems mildly panicked as he pets Jaemin’s hair and says “Woah, Jaemin, Jaemin, what’s wrong? It’s okay, everything’s okay, hey, talk to me!”

And he seems so sincere, so _sweet,_ that Jaemin just cries _more,_ grabbing at Jeno’s shirt and tucking his head into his own shoulder. Jeno lays down next to him slowly before tentatively placing his hands on Jaemin’s waist and Jaemin lets him, turning onto his side and burying his face in Jeno’s shirt, getting it wet with his tears but neither of them care. Jeno lets Jaemin calm down, continuing to pet Jaemin’s hair and hum soothingly, murmuring a few “Shhh”s here and there.

Eventually, Jaemin’s crying quiets and he sits up, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands. Jeno does the same, sitting up and brushing away a few stray tears with his thumbs as he waits for Jaemin to speak.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin sniffles, and Jeno gives him a forlorn smile. 

“You don’t have to be sorry. What’s wrong?”

“It’s just—” He doesn’t know how to verbalize anything, how to explain to Jeno everything he’s feeling, and he’s still grasping at what to answer with when he blurts out “You’re just so _nice!”_

Jeno seems surprised by this and he places his hands on Jaemin’s shoulders, trying to get him to look at him. “Jaemin—”

“No, listen,” Jaemin insists, wiping his eyes pathetically, “You’ve always been so nice to me, Jeno, so kind, _always,_ and I’ve been—”

“Jaemin, hey, calm down. Is this because I said that one time that you used me for sex? Because I was kidding Jaemin, I didn’t mean it and I’m sor—”

“No but I _did!”_ Jaemin insists, an almost crazed look in his eyes, “I did, Jeno, I used you and you let me and now I’m here— You brought me to meet your _parents,_ Jeno! You brought me home, to your _house,_ you’re letting me stay in your bedroom, you’re… I don’t deserve any of this!” he finishes, throwing his hands in the air before letting them fall into his lap. “You don’t deserve this…”

“Jaemin, stop,” Jeno says sternly, and Jaemin looks up at him questioningly.

“How can you—”

“Jaemin, listen to me,” Jeno orders, and Jaemin nods and stares at him with wide eyes, hands fidgeting uncomfortably between his crossed legs. “Jaemin, you didn’t use me for sex.” Jaemin gives him a dubious look and he sighs. “Okay, yeah, you did—” And tears fill Jaemin’s eyes again so Jeno continues on hurriedly— “You did, but I did too! Jaemin, you never did anything I didn’t want. We didn’t do anything I didn’t want. It was always about you, Jaem. I always wanted you. It didn’t matter how. If you just wanted to fuck me then that’s all I wanted.” 

“That’s not fair…” Jaemin says in a small voice, his lip wobbling, and Jeno runs a hand through his hair.

“Jaemin. Listen to me,” he repeats firmly, and Jaemin stays quiet. “I. Wanted. You. I wanted to have sex with _you,_ And I did, _because I wanted to._ You wanted that too, right? I didn’t care if it wasn’t just me. You wanted sex and I was more than happy to give you that under any circumstances. I didn’t care if you were seeing ten other people—”

“I wasn’t,” Jaemin interrupts quietly, “It was only you. It was only ever you. I don’t… Sleep with people more than once. But I did with you. I… I didn’t want anyone that wasn’t you. It didn’t feel right.”

Jeno gives him a soft smile and Jaemin feels his heart slow down. “See, Jaem? It’s okay. It’s not unfair. We wanted the same thing, you and me.”

“But you wanted more, you were _ready_ for more from the beginning, and I just… I just kept pushing you away and hiding,” Jaemin says desperately.

“You weren’t ready,” Jeno says gently. “You weren’t ready and I knew that. I always knew there was more between us and I also knew you would come around to that at your own pace. I wouldn’t have stayed if I thought you were really, truly just keeping me around for sex. I wouldn’t have stayed if it was just that. Do you believe me?”

Jaemin does, so he nods.

“Good. Good.” Jeno runs a hand through his hair. “About bringing you here. Jaemin, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m glad you came home with me. I wanted you to meet my parents, even if it’s not _like that,_ I wanted you to come to my town and my house and I wanted you to experience all of this with me. Under any circumstances. You’re important to me, Jaem, and so is this place, so I wanted you to be here. There’s no strings or conditions attached to that. I just wanted you to get to be here with me. Listen, Jaemin: I wanted to bring you here. I still do. Don’t worry about it, please, Jaemin. You’re here because I want you to be and nothing more. You’re… You’re important to me, okay?”

Jaemin is quiet for a while, fiddling with the hem of his shirt before he finally responds. “You’re important to me, too, Jeno,” he whispers, and Jeno lets out a sigh of relief. He pulls Jaemin to him and Jaemin falls into his arms, listening to Jeno’s heartbeat and feeling safe with Jeno’s arms around him.

“Don’t worry, okay? I always wanted you, Jaemin. I always wanted this. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Okay,” Jaemin says quietly, and then he adds: “Me too.” 

He can’t see it, but Jeno smiles before he kisses the top of his head.

⭑

“You two are dating, aren’t you?” Jeno and his mother are sitting on the porch one morning, in the rare case that they’ve gotten one another alone as Jeno’s father is out and Jaemin is still asleep.

Jeno gives his mom a sideways look. “Something like that.”

She raises an eyebrow. “No? Then what would you call it?” 

Jeno shrugs. “I dunno. I mean, we are, it’s just… He’s not my boyfriend yet. He doesn’t like labels, at least, not yet.” His mom seems to understand that, and she nods. 

“That’s fair. I only hope you’re doing more than just… Keeping labels out of it.”

Jeno wrinkles his nose. “Mom, I’m not giving you details,” he whines, and she laughs.

“I didn’t mean that. I just meant… Treat him right, Jeno.”

“When have I ever not treated someone I was interested in right?” Jeno asks, exasperated, and his mom responds, “I know. Take care of him, okay? He seems sweet. Really. Even your father thinks so.” 

Jeno sits back and runs a hand through his hair. “If I promise to do that, will you stop prying?” He’s kidding, and he grins at his mom to let her know. She rolls her eyes, pretending to swat at him. 

“He reminds me of me,” she muses, half to herself, and Jeno looks at her again.

“Why?”

“He seems so unsure about a lot of things. Not in a bad way, but I can tell he overthinks everything.” She laughs, and Jeno does too.

“He does,” he says fondly, “He does. I’m trying to get him to stop doing it so much.”

“The one thing he seems certain about is you, though,” his mother says quietly, and Jeno isn’t sure how to respond to that. “The way you two look at each other… The way he looks at you, Jeno…” 

“Okay,” he says awkwardly, “Yeah, okay. That’s good to hear, I guess. Um… I’m gonna go before this gets any more awkward.” His mom chuckles.

“Sorry,” she says, “It’s just a mother’s intuition, I guess.” 

Jeno raises to his feet. “It’s okay,” he says, “It’s alright. I’m glad you guys like him,” he adds, and then he goes inside to crawl back into bed with Jaemin. 

Jaemin stirs a little when he feels Jeno’s weight shifting the mattress, and he turns onto his side subconsciously, letting Jeno pull his back to his stomach. Jaemin feels safe in his arms, warm, and he sighs happily to himself. He turns a little, trying to look at Jeno, but Jeno whispers “Shh, go back to bed, baby,” and Jaemin nods. 

“Where were you?” he asks sleepily. 

“With my mom,” Jeno replies. 

“She’s nice,” Jaemin says, his eyes still closed, and Jeno smiles to himself.

“She likes you,” Jeno tells him. 

“Good,” Jaemin grunts. He presses himself closer to Jeno, and Jeno wraps his arms around him tighter. 

“Go back to sleep, Jaem,” Jeno murmurs again.

“Okay,” Jaemin says in a tiny voice. “Only because you’re here now.”

⭑

It’s the last day in Incheon before they go back to school, and Jaemin is packing everything up— Both his and Jeno’s things, though he knows Jeno will probably scold him for doing it for him. But he figures why not? Jeno ran to the store to get some things for dinner and Jaemin is in his room after all, so he might as well kill two birds with one stone.

It’s been a good trip, and Jaemin is surprisingly glum about leaving. Being here, in Jeno’s home, is… Comforting. It feels like being with Jeno all the time, even when they aren’t together. Jeno is so deeply engraved into this place, or maybe it’s that this place is so deeply engraved into Jeno, or both. Either way, it already feels like home to Jaemin.

There’s a knock at the door, and Jaemin calls “Come in,” fully expecting it to be Jeno. But it’s not, it’s his mom, and she pokes her head in, holding a laundry basket with the last of his and Jeno’s things. Jaemin clearly has his hands busy packing, so she offers “Do you want me to set it down somewhere?”

“Sure,” Jaemin responds, so she does, walking into the room and setting it at Jaemin’s feet.

“Thanks,” he says, and she smiles softly at him. She looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t, just nods at Jaemin and turns back toward the door. 

Jaemin doesn’t know what compels him to call after her, but before he can even stop himself he blurts out “I’m really trying with Jeno. I promise.” Maybe it’s the fact that Jaemin never met Mark’s parents, ever, maybe it’s that he really, really, fucking likes Jeno, maybe even loves him, maybe it’s that Jeno’s mom has been nothing but kind to him in the past week and he feels like he owes it to her to reassure her that he has only pure intentions with her son. 

Mrs. Lee hesitates, and she turns back. “I know, Jaemin,” she says. “He knows, too. Take the time you need.”

Jaemin cocks his head at her questioningly. “Did he—?”

She shakes her head. “He didn’t say anything. I just… Had a feeling.” She goes back to Jaemin, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking one of his hands. “When I was in college, I was in a really awful relationship. It took forever for me to get over it, but Jeno’s dad was there for me when I was ready. Jeno will be, too, when you’re ready.” 

“I know,” Jaemin says softly. “He always has been. I’m lucky to have him.”

“He’s lucky to have you, too.”

Jaemin hesitates before speaking again— He’s never really talked to anyone about this before, and when he has, it’s been vague and non-descriptive, the way he would conceal details from his friends so they wouldn’t worry quite so much. He’s hardly talked to them about it, and he certainly hasn’t to Jeno, but right now he thinks he wants to.

“It’s not as bad, now,” he admits. “A lot of days are hard, but more are good. It’s hard to explain it to people because it feels like I’m ripping open a hole in my chest that I’ve only just stitched up. Even when I want to talk about it, it’s hard to convince myself that anyone cares what I have to say about it.”

“I know,” Mrs. Lee says. “It gets better, I promise. One day you’ll be able to talk about it and it won’t hurt as much. One day you’ll be able to move on from it. But it’s okay if you aren’t there yet. Don’t rush it.”

“Thank you,” Jaemin whispers, and Mrs. Lee smiles at him. She squeezes his hand, and before he can blink, she’s gone.

⭑

Ever since the visit to Jeno’s home and his brief conversation with Mrs. Lee, Jaemin is doing well, really, really well, but he has days that are worse than others. Just like he told Jeno’s mom, most days are good, but a lot are hard. He still has days where getting out of bed is hard, remembering Mark is hard, and reaching out for help is even harder.

Today is one of those days.

The second that Jeno arrives at his apartment, Jaemin is all over him, leaping into his arms and taking Jeno thoroughly by surprise. Jaemin murmurs “I want you,” into Jeno’s ear, and Jeno doesn’t even hesitate before carrying him into his bedroom.

_Just think about Jeno,_ Jaemin tells himself, but it’s not working. He’s _trying,_ he’s climbing into Jeno’s lap, he’s pulling all of his clothes off and tugging at Jeno’s shirt, who seems amused but takes it off nonetheless. He’s kissing Jeno hard, messy, sloppy, like he never has before. Jeno tries his best to keep up as Jaemin rolls his hips against Jeno’s own, grinding down and tangling his fingers in Jeno’s hair, tugging a little too hard, the way Jeno likes. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno tries to say when Jaemin comes up for air, but Jaemin says “Shh” and bites down on Jeno’s lower lip. 

It’s nice, really, it is. Jeno is enjoying this a lot, but he can tell there’s something else going on, something that’s got Jaemin so desperate to feel every part of him right here, right now.

“Jaemin, please,” Jeno says when he can, gripping onto Jaemin’s hips maybe a little tighter than he needs to. 

Jaemin _finally_ stops, sitting back and eyeing Jeno in confusion. “What is it? Is it something I did, do you want—”

“Jaemin, what’s going on?” 

“What do you mean?” Jaemin asks impatiently. “I want you to fuck me, Jeno, I missed you and I need you and I want your cock inside me. Now.”

It’s not like Jaemin to be so crude, and Jeno can’t help but be a little turned on by it, but he knows this isn’t _his_ Jaemin. This is the Jaemin that he knew a long time ago, the Jaemin who was cold and aloof and used Jeno (completely willingly) for sex before kicking him out of his apartment and reminding him how much he hated him. This is the Jaemin from before, the Jaemin who is guarded and afraid and _fragile,_ above all else, and Jeno knows this. 

“You’re running from something again,” Jeno says quietly, “Jaemin, you’re acting the way you used to when you wanted me at an arm’s length. There’s something wrong and I want you to tell me what’s going on.” 

Jaemim gives him a pained look. “Jeno, really, can we just fuck, that’s all I need right now—”

“What you _need_ is to get something off your chest and what I need is for you to be honest with me. Are you worried I’m going to judge you? Because, Jaemin, I promise you I won’t.” Jeno sighs. “We need to talk about this Jaemin. We do. You… You need to tell me, baby. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Jaemin finally seems subdued, stilling in Jeno’s lap and raising a hand to his mouth before Jeno grabs it and links their fingers together. It’s quiet for a while, but Jeno never minds silence when he’s with Jaemin, something that Jaemin doesn’t know and Jeno doesn’t know how to explain. It’s okay, though.

“Saying it is hard,” Jaemin says eventually, looking down between them. Jeno’s heart clenches a little. Jaemin starts to shiver, and Jeno doesn’t know if it’s from the cold or from the thought of bringing up his past, but regardless he reaches for his shirt that Jaemin had discarded on a corner of the mattress, pulling it over Jaemin. He looks even smaller now, his hair a complete mess and Jeno can’t help but preen a little at the sight of Jaemin wearing his clothes. _Not helping!_ he tells himself, and he turns back to the problem at hand. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jeno keeps Jaemin planted firmly in his lap, running his hands up Jaemin’s sides. 

Jaemin gives him a look. “No.”

Jeno sighs. 

“I don’t, but I know I need to,” he continues. 

“Yeah, you should,” Jeno says softly. “No matter what, I’m here, okay? I’m here.” 

It takes a while before Jaemin knows where to start, but Jeno is patient, holding him close. 

“I started dating Mark in high school, when he was a senior and I was a junior. He was… He was like you, kind of, but obviously not, because he ended up being an asshole, but… I know what I saw in him. He was charming, he was sweet, he was kind. We had a lot of mutual friends and I didn’t ever really consider dating him, but then he approached me at a party and it was over from there.

“It was nice, at first. He was nice. All my friends liked him, he even got Chenle to like him eventually, who was the most wary— I don’t know why, but he never quite fooled Chenle. Chenle is probably the only person who ever evaded his charms.

“Mark graduated, and he started school here, and it was okay for a while, and I don’t know what happened, but then something switched. He was… He was fucking crazy. Like, actually a psychopath. He was jealous and possessive and controlling, but I just couldn’t see it. I didn’t ever see it. I just loved him so much that I didn’t care that he kept tabs on me at all hours of the day, I didn’t care that he was trying to turn my best friends into my enemies, I didn’t care that he tried to control every aspect of my life. I thought he loved me, and I thought that was what love was. I just wanted him to love me as much as I loved him so I did whatever he said.

“I followed him to school here when I graduated. I thought maybe it would get better if he could see me all the time, if we were together, but it got worse. And I still didn’t care. I thought that I was nothing without him, I was so so scared to even think of leaving him, not that I ever would.”

Jaemin can’t hold himself up anymore, can’t sit in Jeno’s lap like nothing is wrong, and he collapses into Jeno, curling into his chest. He needs support, he needs someone to hold him, someone to be brave for him. Jeno wraps his arms around him tight and Jaemin takes a shaky breath before he continues.

“I’m so fucking lucky that I have Jisung and Hyuck and Chenle, because they saved me, Jeno. I… I don’t know why they didn’t give up on me. I think I would have. I was stubborn and hardheaded and I didn’t want to hear anything they said about Mark. I told myself they were jealous and they didn’t want me to be happy, because that’s what Mark told me. 

“I might have stayed like that forever, I might have truly lost them, but I didn’t, because then Mark actually fucked up. For once in his life, something was actually his fault and not mine. I walked in on him with some girl, and… I completely broke down. I just left, I somehow made it to Jisung’s place and I was just fucking _ruined._ I always knew deep down that Mark didn’t love me, he didn’t care, but I wanted so badly to believe that he did. But seeing him with someone else… I had heard rumours, just whispers, that Mark was seeing people behind my back, but just like everything else, I convinced myself it was people who didn’t want us together spreading lies. Of course I knew it was true, and then when I actually caught him it broke me.

“He tried for months to get me back and I swear he cycled through every single manipulation, every single awful feeling he could impose on me. First it was that he was sorry, he was so so sorry and he made a mistake and I had to forgive him, then it was that it was _my_ fault he cheated on me because I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, and then he would beg for my forgiveness, _again,_ and when I wouldn’t cave, _again,_ it was back to him telling me that I was the one who ruined everything.

“He always told me no one would love me like he would, and honestly, he was right, because if that was love to him— And I think in his head, it is— Then no, of course no one else was going to love me like him. I don’t think it would be possible for anyone to be as _cruel_ as him.

“And that’s why I’m like this, Jeno. I try so hard but I’m still scared. I know you’re not Mark, I know you would never do any of the things he did to me. I know. I always wanted you, always, even back when I convinced myself and everyone else that I hated you. It was never hatred for you, ever. It was hatred for myself, it was fear of losing myself again, it was… It was a fucking crush, Jeno.” He actually snorts. “I had a crush on you for a whole semester but I was such _damaged goods_ that I couldn’t own up to it so I had to play it off like I hated you.”

Jeno waits for him to finish his sentence before he interrupts him.

“Jaem, you are not ‘damaged goods.’”

Jaemin looks up at him. “I guess. But sometimes it feels like he’ll always win. I’ve tried everything, really, I have. I almost transferred schools to get away from him but I didn’t because then I knew he would really win. I finally, finally let my guard down with you because Jisung told me if I kept pushing you away he would win again, and he was right. And still, every single thing I do, I second guess, because I just don’t… I don’t even know. I don’t even know what I’m most scared of, but I’m so tired of it. I’m scared of getting hurt again, I’m scared of another relationship like the last, I’m scared that _I’ll_ fuck something up, I’m scared that Mark is going to pop back up because he just _can’t let it go._

“I like you, Jeno, I do. I like you a lot, I want you, I need you more than I want to admit. And I’m trying, I promise. It gets better every day. You helped me with that. But sometimes I get in my head, sometimes I second guess myself, sometimes I see one of his friends around campus and I’m worried that they’ll tell Mark they saw me and I just spiral.”

He takes a deep breath, sitting up again, crawling back into Jeno’s lap and placing his hands on his chest.

“I was so scared to try again. You changed that for me, Jeno, you changed everything. I tried giving you just my body, I thought maybe I’d be okay with that, but I’m not. I want you to have all of me. I want all of you, too. I want to fall in love again, I want to _be_ in love again, I want you to love me back.” He laughs. “Is that too much for right now?”

Jeno smiles softly at him. There are so many things he wants to say right now but he doesn’t know where to start, he just wants to _show him,_ so he tries. He kisses him, of course he does, because sometimes he thinks it's the best way that he can. Jeno takes Jaemin’s face in his hands and kisses his nose, his forehead, his wet eyelids, and then he pulls away. “It’s not too much,” he says. “It’s never too much. Thank you for telling me, Jaemin. It means a lot.”

“I wanted to tell you. It wasn’t really fear stopping me, it was just… Remembering it is hard. Reliving it is hard.”

“I know,” Jeno says, “I know. But I’ll be here for all of it, okay?”

“Okay,” Jaemin says, smiling softly, and then he giggles. “Sorry about… All this.” Jeno laughs, too.

“It’s okay. Do you want to do something else? I mean, we can finish, or we can… Order a pizza. We could watch some drama or something. I mean, we don’t have to, but—”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Jaemin interrupts him, scooting off of Jeno’s lap and climbing off the bed, extending a hand for Jeno to grab as he follows suit. Jeno tries extremely hard not to look at Jaemin’s thighs, which Jaemin definitely notices, gloating wordlessly as he throws Jeno a hoodie that he had left the last time he was over. And that’s what they do. They order an extra-large pizza and they sit on Jaemin’s living room floor and watch a drama that Jaemin discovers Jeno has secretly been following since it started. 

Jaemin loves this part most of all. He loves doing things with Jeno that have nothing to do with kissing or sex, things that he doesn’t do with his _just friends_. Things like sitting in Jeno’s lap, things like letting Jeno wipe pizza sauce off his lip with his thumb and then lick it off, things like teasing Jeno and reminding him every chance he gets that he’s wearing Jeno’s shirt and _only_ Jeno’s shirt, and even though Jeno was the one who suggested they do something else, he still finds his hands wandering up Jaemin’s thighs subconsciously. And best of all, Jaemin gets to see another side of Jeno, a side that is, god forbid, sensitive and an absolute sucker for romance. He actually gets a little teary-eyed when the leads kiss, and Jaemin does not give a single damn about the show and all of its cheesiness, but it makes him smile, seeing Jeno get so into it. 

He points out everything that just doesn’t seem realistic to him, complaining about how tacky it all is and Jeno lets him, only shushing him when something he thinks is _important_ is going on. 

“They’re _in love”_ is Jeno’s response to everything that Jaemin complains about, which is not really an excuse, but Jeno is so into it that Jaemin lets it slide. 

“You’re a real softie,” Jaemin murmurs in awe as soon as the credits roll, and Jeno glares at him. 

“Excuse me for believing in love, Jaemin,” he huffs, and Jaemin holds his hands up in mock surrender. 

“I believe in love!” he protests, and Jeno throws a pillow at him. “Hey!” Jaemin says, and Jeno gives him a stink-eye. 

“You’re making fun of me.”

“I’m not!” 

Jeno looks at him dubiously and Jaemin rolls his eyes, climbing back into Jeno’s lap and straddling him, placing his hands on Jeno’s chest. “Of course I believe in love,” he coos, and Jeno scoffs. 

“Making fun of me,” he repeats, and Jaemin rolls his eyes.

“I believe in love,” Jaemin says again, and he leans in closer to Jeno’s face. “I believe in love. I wanna fall in love with you and get married and live in a house together and have a hundred of your babies.” Jeno’s jaw drops a little, and Jaemin smirks. 

“You’re definitely making fun of me,” Jeno says weakly, trying to narrow his eyes, but suddenly he’s having a very hard time meeting Jaemin’s eyes at all and Jaemin snorts.

“What, because I’m a guy I can’t say I wanna have your kids? Kind of sexist, Jen,” he teases, and Jeno is honestly at a loss for words. 

“Don’t do this to me,” Jeno protests.

“Why? ’Cause you still think I’m making fun of you?” 

“No, because…” He blushes. “Because you said you didn’t want to have sex and now you’re… Being really hot.”

Jaemin beams. “I knew it,” he says proudly, “I knew you had a fucking breeding kink.”

Jeno’s mouth gapes. “What does _that_ mean?” 

Jaemin smiles, playing with the strings on Jeno’s hoodie. “It _means_ that you’re a real stand-up guy, Jeno, and I knew you were a family man ever since you took me to meet your parents. _And_ you’re a softie. I’ve never seen anyone so into a drama in my life. Of course you would get turned on by me saying…” He leans in, whispering hot in Jeno’s ear, “I want you to give me your babies, Jeno.”

Jeno, honest to god, _growls,_ his grip on Jaemin’s waist tightening to the point where it’s almost uncomfortable. Jaemin sits back and grins. 

“For the record, I didn’t say that I didn’t want to have sex. That was you.” And then he gets up, prancing into the kitchen and rummaging through the freezer. He returns with a tub of ice cream and a spoon, settling down next to Jeno, who is rock-hard and completely mind-blown. Jaemin busies himself with eating the ice cream, and after a little while he turns and offers a spoonful to Jeno. Jeno is still, like, braindead, and he opens his mouth obediently and lets Jaemin spoon feed him. 

Jaemin doesn’t let him fuck him, but he does climb back into his lap, reaching between them to jerk Jeno off slowly and whisper things in his ear that make Jeno cum harder than he ever has in his life. 

⭑

“You should come over,” Jeno says one day when they’re studying together. It’s about 5 p.m., neither of them had late classes today, and they’ve been studying for a handful of hours and are both ready to throw in the towel.

Jaemin glances up at Jeno from his homework, blinking at him. “You want me to meet your frat brothers?” He says it slightly distastefully, and Jeno rolls his eyes. Jaemin has always known Jeno is in a frat, because of course he would be, but he’s never even visited the house. He knows that the frat Jeno is part of is one of the less offensive ones, maybe even the only one that holds some merit, but they’ve spent all of their time at Jaemin’s and never once been to Jeno’s place.

“They’re not that bad,” he insists, and Jaemin pretends to ponder this, chewing on his pen. 

“Only if they’re nice to me.”

“Of course they’ll be nice to you! They’re nice people, Jaemin. A little clueless and maybe they have dust for brains but they’re nice. You really think I’d hang around with people who aren’t nice?”

“No,” Jaemin admits, and Jeno raises an eyebrow.

“Jaemin, they’re frat boys, but they’re _nice._ I’m nice, right? You trust me, and I’m one of them.”

“Well…” Jaemin pretends to ponder, and Jeno narrows his eyes before Jaemin admits “Yeah, you’re not so bad.” Jeno rolls his eyes.

“It’ll be fine, Jaemin. I promise.” Honestly, Jaemin believes him.

“Okay,” he says, and Jeno gives him a smile that he cautiously returns.

When they arrive on Jeno’s floor, Jeno flings the door open, and it’s… Exactly what Jaemin expected. It’s messy, but it’s not _dirty,_ and there’s a chorus of “Hey”s and “’Sup”s that greet them. There are three boys sitting in front of the television, playing a video game, and only one of them looks up. One of them is Renjun, and he hasn’t spent too much time with him, but Jaemin is still glad to see a familiar face. Jaemin gives a tiny wave to the guy who makes eye contact with him, because he’s not quite sure what to do, and the boy pauses the video game and says “Hey, you must be Jaemin!” 

Frankly, Jaemin is surprised that any of them have heard of him— Not that he wouldn’t want them to, but he’s never had someone who’s so interested in him that they would tell their friends about him. He glances at Jeno, who is glaring at the only boy who spoke, and Jaemin chuckles to himself. 

The other two boys look up, and they seem genuinely excited to see him. The one who isn’t Renjun shouts “Hey, Jeno’s boyfriend is here,” and another guy pokes his head into the living room. 

“Hey!” says new guy, “Jaemin, right?” Jaemin glances over at Jeno to see that he has his face in his hands, and the parts that he can see are bright red. Jaemin smirks.

“It would be awkward if I wasn’t,” Jaemin decides to respond with, and all of them grin. 

“I’m Hendery,” says the guy who noticed him first, and the other two sound off with their own names— Yangyang is the guy who just came out, and Xiaojun is the other one in front of the tv. “If you’re wondering why all of our names sound Chinese, it’s ’cause they are. And if you’re wondering why Jeno is living with a bunch of Chinese dudes, well, I’d like to know the same.” 

“Thanks,” Jeno says flatly, and Hendery gives him a wink. 

“There’s take-out in the kitchen,” Xiaojun says, and then Hendery turns the game back on and they continue playing, Yangyang throwing himself on the couch next to them and helping Renjun.

Jeno doesn’t respond, just drags Jaemin to his bedroom, closing the door as soon as they’re inside. Jaemin looks at Jeno amusedly as he rubs a hand over his face. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think Jeno was _embarrassed_ , something he doesn’t get to see very often. 

“I never told them you were my boyfriend,” is the first thing Jeno says, throwing himself onto his bed, face up, and covering his face with an arm. Jaemin snorts.

“Jeno, it’s fine. I don’t care what you call me, because as far as I know we’re on the same page.” 

Jeno peeks at him from behind his arm. “You really mean that?”

“ _Yes,_ Jeno,” he responds, sitting on the edge of the bed. “They seem nice.”

“They are, but… Dust for brains, I told you.”

“Hey,” Jaemin says, hitting Jeno’s chest playfully, “Be nice. They put up with you.”

“Oh, not you, too,” Jeno groans, raising himself up onto his elbows, and Jaemin shrugs. “There’s more,” Jeno continues, “But they’re away for some conference or something. The older guys are always gone doing something or other, so we kind of have free roam. Once they come back, though… Well, we’ll have to clean up, at the very least.” 

“Hmm,” Jaemin says, and Jeno gives him a look. 

“Listen, there’s like fourteen boys living here. We do our best to keep it clean. We can’t all be as neat and tidy as you are, Jaem.” 

“You could try,” Jaemin says, and Jeno rolls his eyes. He reaches for Jaemin, wrapping his arms around his stomach and pulling him to his chest. Jaemin shrieks, and Jeno buries his face in his neck. “We can’t all be as perfect as you, Jaemie,” he teases, and Jaemin pretends to be offended as he peels Jeno off of him and flops onto his back next to him. 

“You haven’t called me that since you were drunk,” Jaemin says, turning onto his side, and Jeno raises his eyebrows. 

“I didn’t know I called you that at all.” 

Jaemin grins. “Well, you did. It’s cute. No one calls me that. All my friends call me Nana.”

“I know. I kind of want to call you something your _friends_ don’t call you,” Jeno replies, and Jaemin sticks his tongue out at him. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Yangyang pokes his head inside before they can even respond. 

“You guys joining game night?” 

“No,” Jeno says at the same time that Jaemin says, “What game?” 

They do end up joining, even though it’s _Monopoly_ of all games and there aren’t enough pieces for all of them because someone lost them, so Jeno and Jaemin form a team. They make up a lot of stupid, confusing rules to make the game go by faster (and to ensure that Xiaojun loses, Jaemin is pretty sure), and right when Renjun is celebrating his victory, there’s noise coming from outside and they all turn to watch as the knob turns. The front door opens, and a guy who is at least a head taller than Jaemin steps into the room. He notices Jaemin immediately, and he brightens, saying “Hey! Are you Jaemin’s boyfriend?” 

Jaemin can feel Jeno tense up next to him, and he grabs his hand and squeezes it under the table before responding “Yeah, I am.” Tall guy beams. 

“Cool! I’m Yukhei. Nice to meet you!”

“You too,” Jaemin says, and he means it. He’s happy to meet all of Jeno’s friends, _frat brothers,_ he’s happy to gain access to another sliver of Jeno’s life he knows Jeno is mildly embarrassed about. And yet, he welcomes Jaemin in with open arms, and it means everything to Jaemin. 

Later, after they’ve cleaned up (sort of, they weren’t going to but Jaemin scolds them and they guiltily do as they’re told), Jaemin finds himself back in Jeno’s bedroom again. It’s not very different from Jeno’s bedroom at home, and Jaemin likes it. He likes anything that has to do with Jeno. 

“Are you staying?” Jeno asks, and Jaemin smiles at him. 

“Of course,” he replies, and Jeno smiles, too. He hesitates, then, and he adds, “Um, but if you wanna do something, we have to… They’ll hear us,” he finishes, and Jaemin smiles even wider. 

“I think I can go one whole night without your hands all over me,” Jaemin teases, and Jeno smirks. 

“Yeah, but I can’t,” he responds, and the next thing Jaemin knows he’s on the bed and Jeno is on top of him. 

“They’ll hear us,” Jaemin whispers, echoing what Jeno just told him, but his hands have a mind of their own and he feels like he’s just watching as they wander up Jeno’s arms. 

“Not if you’re quiet,” Jeno whispers back, and Jaemin bites his lip. 

“Will you eat me out?” he asks, looking up at Jeno and giving him a pleading look Jeno can’t deny. 

“Will you be quiet for me?” 

Jaemin chews on his lip more, nodding, and Jeno sits up and pulls Jaemin’s pants and underwear off, spreading his legs and settling between them. Jaemin strokes Jeno’s hair unconsciously as he leans in, petting his hair gently. The moment Jeno’s mouth is on his hole, though, one of Jaemin’s hands flies to his mouth, and he _shakes_ as Jeno works his magic. He bites down on his fingers, _hard,_ but after a while, that’s not enough and he can’t control himself anymore. He lets out a whimper, one he can’t hold back, and Jeno looks up at him, alarmed. 

“Jeno,” Jaemin whispers, “I can’t,” and Jeno nods. He kneels over Jaemin again, this time using one hand to cover Jaemin’s mouth and pushing two fingers inside him with the other. Jaemin’s eyes widen, and he cries out into Jeno’s palm, who looks at him with dark eyes and only speeds up his fingers as Jaemin gets louder and louder. Jeno’s hand only does so much to muffle his noises, and when it gets to be too much, he leans down to kiss him, swallowing Jaemin’s moans. 

Jeno thinks he just wants _this,_ forever. Being with Jaemin in any capacity, Jaemin trusting him like this with his body and his heart and his soul. He almost says something when Jaemin cums, and then again when Jaemin makes _him_ cum, and then again when they’re lying in bed, tangled together, a very naked Jaemin latching onto him like a koala and falling asleep almost instantly. He wants to say it, but he can’t. Not until Jaemin is asleep and the room is dark and the air is quiet. 

“I love you, Jaemin,” Jeno whispers, and he holds on Jaemin even tighter.

⭑

There’s a knock at the door and Jaemin prances over to open it. Jeno didn’t mention anything about stopping by, but—

Jaemin feels his stomach drop, and once again he’s frozen in his own doorway, but this time for a much worse reason. “Mark,” Jaemin whispers.

“Hey, Nana,” Mark says, grinning, and Jaemin feels a little nauseous. 

“Don’t call me that,” Jaemin asks timidly, and Mark waves a hand dismissively, pushing past Jaemin into his living room, which is extraordinarily easy when Jaemin can barely stand on his own two feet.

“You don’t mean that. You love it when I call you Nana.” 

“No, _you_ love it. I don’t want you calling me that.”

“Do you let Jeno call you that?” 

“What Jeno calls me is none of your business. Only my friends call me that, and you’re not one of them. Why are you here?”

“Don’t act like you’re so unhappy to see me! I thought you’d be excited.”

“I want nothing to do with you,” Jaemin hisses, but there’s not as much heat behind it as he would have liked. 

“Of course you do,” Mark responds airly, waving a hand carelessly in the air, “I like what you’ve done with the place. I miss the photos of us, though.” He turns back to Jaemin, who is wrapping his arms tightly around himself and trying not to look Mark in the eye.

“I think you should leave,” Jaemin whispers. Mark raises an eyebrow. “Are you asking me or telling me?” 

“Telling you,” Jaemin says, holding his ground, but he loses all his nerve when Mark gets all up in his face.

“Don’t lie, Nana,” Mark says quietly, “I know you miss me. I know you want me.” He’s on top of Jaemin before he has a chance to react.

“Stop,” Jaemin begs, but Mark doesn’t care. He pushes Jaemin onto the couch, climbing on top of him and tugging at Jaemin’s jeans. He puts his mouth on Jaemin’s, and Jaemin stops fighting. He’s never been able to stop Mark before, and he certainly can’t now.

Mark is aggressive and harsh and nothing like Jeno. This is too familiar to Jaemin, too much, and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. He wants Mark _off,_ he wants Jeno, but nothing matters because he’s at Mark’s mercy and he can’t move.

Mark puts his hand down Jaemin’s pants and somehow, some way, he snaps out of it. _Jaemin doesn’t want him touching him there._ He grabs Mark’s wrist, yanking it out of his underwear and glaring at him. “Don’t touch me,” he says, eyes narrowing, and Mark seems taken aback. He recovers quickly, though, and rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t act like you don’t want this. I know that he doesn’t touch you like I do.”

“No, he doesn’t, because he actually asks first.” Jaemin holds Mark’s gaze for as long as he can, and it fucking _hurts,_ looking at Mark hurts, feeling Mark ontop of him hurts, thinking about Jeno hurts, but he doesn’t back down. 

“Get out,” Jaemin says, letting go of Mark’s wrist, and Mark does, he stands up, because he’s so startled by Jaemin standing up for himself for once. Jaemin can still feel his eyes on him, can still feel Mark evaluating him.

“How’s Jeno gonna feel when he finds out that his perfect little Nana messed around with someone else?” He asks, mockingly, because _of course_ he can’t just leave, _of course_ he has to fuck with Jaemin’s head even more. “He’ll break up with you, of course, but what next? Do you think he’s gonna tell all his friends? He’ll be disgusted with you, Nana. Why did you have to go and ruin everything?” 

Jaemin feels the tears coming on, and he tries his best to hold it together as he repeats himself. “Get _out.”_

Mark pauses, cocking his head at him. “What? Are you still trying to tell _me_ what to do?” 

Jaemin doesn’t respond, and Mark must be over having his fun with him because he nods.

“Okay, Nana. Okay.” He heads toward Jaemin’s front door, but he pauses before he leaves. “No one’s gonna love you like I do, Jaemin. No one. Remember that.” He turns on his heel after that, and it takes everything in Jaemin to make it to the door and lock it behind him once he hears it slam shut. He doesn’t have anything left in him anymore. He collapses on his floor, and he cries.

⭑

Jeno isn’t in constant communication with Jaemin— They don’t have to be. Jeno knows that Jaemin’s ex drilled into him that he had to let him know where he was at all times, at any hour of the day, and Jaemin is pretty good about not slipping back into that habit but sometimes he does. Despite all of this, Jeno still feels weird when Jaemin doesn’t text him for an entire day. 

Or the next one.

Or the next one. 

It’s after three days that Jeno decides it’s been too long, and he feels guilty for not checking on Jaemin sooner— He’s been caught up with finals and practice, but he knows that’s not a good excuse. He finally makes the trek to Jaemin’s apartment, knocking on the door, but there’s no response. He knocks again, and he’s sure that Jaemin must not be home, but then where else would he be? He waits at Jaemin’s door for five minutes before deciding he needs to try something else.

Jeno wracks his brain for something, anything, to help him figure out where Jaemin is. He’s hung out with Jaemin’s group of friends a couple times, but he doesn’t have anyone’s numbers. _Think,_ he tells himself, pacing back and forth on Jaemin’s porch, and then it comes to him. Without a second thought, Jeno starts off toward the gym. It’s a fifteen minute walk and a seven minute run, and Jeno is close to being out of breath when he arrives. There are several club sports that utilize the gym, but he _knows_ the dancers meet here on Thursdays, and thank fucking god, because that means that Donghyuck is here.

Jeno bolts over to the corner of the gym where the dancers are clustered, clearly discussing something, and he waits impatiently until they’re done and scatter toward their bags so that he can talk to Donghyuck.

“Donghyuck,” Jeno says, rushing over to him. 

“Jeno?” Donghyuck asks, seemingly taken aback, but Jeno doesn’t care. 

“Have you heard from Jaemin?”

Donghyuck blinks at him. “No,” he says slowly, “He hasn’t been with you?” 

If Jeno’s heart was in his stomach before, it’s on the floor by now. “I thought he was with you,” he says helplessly, “He hasn’t answered my texts for three days, and I didn’t want to worry too much because I don’t want to be… Whatever his ex was, but three days is too long, and I went to his house, and he wasn’t there—”

“Okay, chill,” Donghyuck says, grabbing Jeno’s hands so he stops flailing his arms around, “When’s the last time you talked to him? Be specific.”

“Monday at, like, seven. We were talking about something stupid, I can’t remember what, but it wasn’t important, and then he just… Stopped. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t want to push him—”

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck says, as soothingly as he can, “It’s okay. You were doing what you thought was best. It’s okay. How many times have you texted him since them?” 

“I texted him once a day, just dumb shit like ‘I miss you,’ or whatever, but he never answered so I thought… Maybe he just doesn’t want to see me? But that doesn’t make sense, I thought that I finally got through to him, I thought everything was okay!”

“Okay,” Donghyuck murmurs, “Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to find Jisung, because he has a spare key to Jaemin’s apartment, and then when we get there I’ll go in and talk to him and you can too, after I leave.”

“How do you know he’s home?” 

“Jeno, if he’s not with you, and he’s not with one of us, he’s at home, and he’s probably…” He trails off because he doesn’t want to say it. “It doesn’t matter. He’ll be there, we just have to get to him.”

Donghyuck ends up calling Jisung, who borrows Chenle’s car (and lets Chenle tag along) to come pick the two of them up. Jeno climbs into the passenger seat, and Jisung looks at him, seeming mildly concerned. “You doing okay, man?”

“I’m fine. Let’s just find Jaemin, okay?” 

Jisung puts the car into drive and doesn’t say another word.

When they arrive, Jisung hands Donghyuck his keys. “We’ll wait here,” he explains to Jeno, “He’ll get worked up if we all show up at once. I’m sure he’s already convinced that he’s let us all down and seeing us all at once will be too much for him.” 

Jeno nods, drumming his fingers anxiously across his knee. “What would do this to him?” Jeno asks, but he already knows that it’s not a _what_ but a _who._

“Mark,” Chenle says quietly, and they sit in silence.

Donghyuck comes back out after what feels like an eternity, but it does nothing to make Jeno feel better. Donghyuck is pale and looks terrified, and Jeno doesn’t wait for him to get to the car before he leaps out of it.

“What happened?”

Donghyuck shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know, Jeno. Something bad. He won’t talk to me, but I think you should give it a shot.”

“Do you think he’ll talk to me?” Jeno asks desperately, and Donghyuck just looks at him sadly. 

“I hope so,” he says, and then he climbs into the car next to Chenle. 

Jeno doesn’t wait another second before he rushes inside, making his way to Jaemin’s bedroom in a flash, and his heart shatters. 

It’s worse than he was expecting. The blinds are all closed as tightly as possible, so it’s incredibly dark, and cold, too— Jaemin clearly hasn’t been able to get up and change the thermostat, so Jeno does it himself. Jaemin is curled up in his bed, the comforter pulled over him. He looks sickly: pale, thin, gaunt. He doesn’t even react when Jeno steps into the room, not even when Jeno says “Jaemin?” 

He waits for a response, but he doesn’t get one, so he makes his way to the bed. He hesitates, but then he gets in, climbing under the covers with Jaemin. He pulls Jaemin’s body toward him, his already small waist seeming impossibly tiny now. Jaemin flinches but doesn’t fight, and that has to mean something. It can’t be anything good, though. 

Jeno kisses the side of his head and then his cheek, nuzzling into Jaemin’s neck. “Jaemin, baby,” he says quietly, “I missed you.”

He doesn’t get a response.

“Sweetheart, what happened?” Jeno feels Jaemin flinch again, and it breaks his heart, because he knows it was _something bad,_ just like Donghyuck said. “You can tell me, baby. I promise.”

“I kissed Mark,” Jaemin finally says, so quiet that Jeno can barely hear him. “I’m sorry. I know I ruined everything. You can go now.”

Jeno doesn’t move. It hurts, hearing that, but not because of anything Jaemin did. It hurts because he knows that Jaemin didn’t want to kiss Mark, that he’d never even be anywhere near Mark of his own free will. It hurts because he knows that _Jaemin_ is hurting so much because of this, and he doesn’t even know how he can help. Most of all, it hurts that Jaemin would ever even _think_ that Jeno would think this was his fault. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin repeats, and he can feel a fresh batch of tears coming on so he pleads “Please leave, Jeno.” 

“No,” Jeno says. “No, I’m not leaving you. Jaemin, please look at me.” And Jaemin can never say no to Jeno so he does, turning over but not yet looking Jeno in the eye. “Jaemin, baby, it’s not your fault. I know you didn’t want to.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jaemin says sadly, “I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t. He was… In my head, he gets into my head so easily, and I tried to stand up for myself but… He breaks me down so easily,” he whispers. “I can’t defend myself against him.” He sounds so broken that it takes everything in Jeno to keep himself level headed. He feels a pang in his chest, and he asks quietly, “Jaemin, did he touch you?” Jaemin nods, tucking his head into his chest, but Jeno doesn’t let him, placing a finger under his chin and tilting it up toward him. “Tell me what happened.”

Jaemin doesn’t want to, of course he doesn’t want to, but as much shame as he’s feeling, he still wants Jeno to know. He wants desperately to tell Jeno, to let Jeno know, to let Jeno hurt with him the way that he knows Jeno wants to, because he _knows_ Jeno doesn’t want Jaemin to hold onto his burdens all on his own.

“He came to my house, and he just… Let himself in, I thought it was gonna be you so I opened the door and he just came in, and he baited me, and I tried so hard not to let it get to me, but he knows just how to get under my skin. And then he was on top of me, and then he was kissing me, and then he put his hands…” He trails off before continuing again. “And I told him to get out. I think he was surprised that I actually stood up for myself. But I made him leave and he did, and then I just couldn’t… I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to call you or Jisung or anyone but I was too ashamed. I was just scared, I guess, and I didn’t want you to be upset…”

“Jaemin, listen to me. It is not your fault.” 

Jaemin still can’t meet Jeno’s eyes as he responds. “I don’t even know what’s my fault and what’s not anymore, Jeno. I don’t know what I want or who I am or what I’m supposed to do.” It breaks Jeno’s heart, and he tries his best to keep himself calm and not completely lose it, to not start crying along with Jaemin.

“Jaemin, look at me.” Jaemin finally, finally meets his gaze reluctantly, and Jeno cups his face in his hands. “Jaemin, angel. None of that is true. It’s not. Nothing that Mark said to you is true. None of it. You got him off, Jaemin, you made him stop. And I _know_ that you know what you want. I know you do. So tell me what it is.”

Jaemin is quiet for a while, and then he whispers “I want you.”

Jeno smiles at him, and Jaemin feels the hand around his heart unclench just a sliver. 

“I want you too, Jaem, more than anything. And you have me. You’ll always have me, I promise. Nothing Mark says or does to you will ever change that. And he won’t do anything to you ever again. I promise, Jaemin.” He wants to kill Mark, wants to put him six feet under, but he doesn’t voice that to Jaemin because he doesn’t want to get him worked up over it, and besides, he thinks Jaemin knows anyway. “Jaemin, I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Baby, you should have called me.” 

Jaemin shrugs helplessly. “I was scared, I didn’t want you to be mad…”

“I would never be mad at you. I couldn’t, Jaem, especially not over this. None of this is your fault.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin repeats, and Jeno can’t take it anymore. 

“Jaemin, I swear, if you apologize to me one more time I’m going to kiss you until you stop.” 

Jaemin freezes, and his eyes widen. “I’m s—”

Jeno kisses him and then he pulls away, taking Jaemin’s face in his hands. “Jaemin. You don’t have to be sorry for anything. This is not your fault. You know that, right?” 

Jaemin bites his lip, hesitant, but then he nods. 

Jeno smiles. “Good. Now say it.”

Jaemin cocks his head at him. “Jeno, I—”

“Say it,” Jeno asks, so Jaemin does. 

“It’s not my fault,” he says softly, and Jeno can see the way his shoulders sag when he does, like a weight has been lifted off them. 

“No, it’s not. I swear to god, Jaemin, the next time I see him, I _will_ put him six feet in the ground, I cannot _believe_ him, I swear to god, baby, he’ll never touch you again, never even _look_ at you—”

This time, Jaemin kisses him, and Jeno shuts up. 

“I’ll be okay, Jeno. I will. Normally when I get like this… It ruins me for days. No one’s ever been able to get me talking when I’m like this, not even Jisung. They usually just have to wait for the storm to pass and sometimes that takes weeks.”

Jeno pulls him closer. “I’ll always be here for you, baby. No matter what. I want you to know that, okay? You can always count on me. I will always be here for you but I need you to try to tell me when you need me.”

“I know,” Jaemin says. “I know. I will, okay?” He sighs, looking around his room, and then he adds “I need to get the fuck out of here.”

“Everyone’s out front,” Jeno says, and Jaemin groans. 

“You dragged Chenle and Jisung here, too?” 

“Of course, Jaem. I was worried. We all were. Besides, Jisung is the only one with a spare key, Chenle is the only one with a car, and Donghyuck is the only reason I got ahold of them anyway. I—” 

Jaemin smiles weakly at him. “I know. Thank you, baby.” He gives Jeno a peck and then runs his hands through his hair. “Shit. I need to shower, then we can go. I smell like shit.”

“You smell good,” Jeno says immediately, and he’s not lying, because Jaemin always smells good to him, but Jaemin raises an eyebrow dubiously. 

“I sincerely doubt that, Jen. I’ve been rotting in my own filth for three days.”

Jeno shrugs. “You always smell good to me. You want me to help you shower?”

“You are shameless,” Jaemin says in wonder, “You really fucking are.”

Jeno grins. “What can I say? You’re the most beautiful person I know. Especially without your clothes on.”

“Fucking _ew,_ Jen, you are so _greasy,”_ Jaemin whines, laughing.

“But it works, right? Obviously I’ve charmed you so far.”

“Whatever,” Jaemin says, rubbing a hand over his face, “Tell them to take a lap or something and pick us up in half an hour.”

Jeno’s whole face lights up. “Does that mean yes?” 

“If you can get me clean, get me off, and then clean me up again in half an hour, then _yes_ , Jeno” he says drily, and no sooner have those words left his lips than Jeno rushes into the bathroom, turning Jaemin’s shower on. “Bastard,” Jaemin murmurs to himself, but he's never said it so endearingly before.

The other three boys give them a solid forty-five minutes, which the two of them (especially Jeno) appreciate, and as soon as they squish into the back seat next to Chenle, both with wet hair and looking thoroughly pleased with themselves, it doesn’t take much to figure out what happened.

“I want my ten dollars!” Donghyuck crows, and Chenle swats at his head from behind him. Jisung looks at them in the rearview mirror and shakes his head. 

“You don’t know what went on,” Jisung says, and Donghyuck scoffs. 

“Clearly _something_ did. I win. Give me my ten dollars.”

Chenle rolls his eyes and turns to the two of them, who are holding hands and clearly both holding back laughter.

“Did you guys fuck?” he asks bluntly, and Jaemin shrugs. 

“Not technically.”

“What does that _mean,”_ Donghyuck groans, and Jeno laughs.

“It means no,” he says, and Donghyuck scowls. 

“It does not. What the fuck did you two do in there?” 

Jisung finally says something, checking his blind spot before switching lanes and not looking at any of them. “The bet was full, penetrative sex, Hyuck. Chenle said any messing around besides that doesn’t count, so you lost.”

Donghyuck turns to look at them, pleading silently with them. “Tell him you fucked,” he whines, and Jeno snorts. 

“We didn’t.”

“Then what _did_ you do?” 

Jaemin flashes back to fifteen minutes ago, Jeno fingering him in the shower until he came all over the shower wall, so hard he saw white, and he rolls his eyes. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

⭑

Finding Mark is not difficult. For as popular as Jeno is, Mark isn’t doing too bad in that department either, so it doesn’t take much effort to track him down.

He ends up cornering him up against the fence on the track when Mark takes a break from running laps to grab some water. He doesn’t see Jeno until he’s right in front of him, and by then it’s too late. 

Mark grins when he sees him. “Come to mark your property?”

Jeno snorts. “He’s not my _property._ He was never yours, either. Relationships aren’t a pet-and-owner dynamic.”

Mark cocks his head, pouting at Jeno pityingly. “Is that what you think? He was happy with me. Happy with that.”

“No he wasn’t,” Jeno hisses, “He was miserable and you knew it. You made his life hell, Mark. Are you _proud_ of that?” 

Mark shrugs, taking a swig from his water bottle. “We were happy.”

“And that’s why you had to go around hooking up with anything that would breathe in your direction?”

Mark’s eyes narrow. “That’s none of your business.”

“And neither is mine and Jaemin’s relationship.” 

“ _Relationship,_ huh? You really got him in a box? I commend you, I do. He hates being trapped like that.”

Jeno isn’t quite sure what to make of this and for once he hesitates, unsure of what to say next. Mark grins.

“He’s—”

Mark laughs. “You guys aren’t actually dating, are you?” 

And Jeno can’t— No, won’t— Deal with this anymore and he shoves Mark up against the fence, wrapping a hand around his neck. He isn’t a violent guy, but Mark is making him want to be. 

“You had better stay the fuck out of it or I _will_ put you in the ground. I’m not scared of a little suspension,” he hisses. Mark clearly believes him, because he doesn’t respond. “Stay away from him, Mark. I fucking mean it. If you go anywhere _near_ him maybe, if you’re lucky, I’ll only break a few bones. You believe me, don’t you Markie?” 

Mark is pale by now, and he nods. All talk, just like Jeno suspected. 

“Good boy,” Jeno coos mockingly, before his gaze hardens and he glares at Mark hard. “Watch your fucking back.” 

He turns on his heel and doesn’t look back, leaving Mark to fall to his knees behind him.

⭑

Jeno has never done anything small when it comes to Jaemin, so of course when he decides he’s going to ask Jaemin to be his boyfriend, _officially,_ of course it has to be a whole ordeal. And it is. It’s a whole ordeal that involves Jeno borrowing Renjun’s car and driving Jaemin to the fanciest restaurant around and reminding him of how absolutely stunning he is while they’re led to their table, murmuring low in Jaemin’s ear and making him shiver. 

It’s the best date Jaemin has _ever_ been on, but not because of all the glamour and excitement. It’s the best date Jaemin’s ever been on because he _knows_ Jeno put everything into this, he didn’t just choose it at the drop of a hat last minute because he realized that Jaemin wanted him to take him out. It’s the best date Jaemin’s ever been on because he’s reminded, once again, just how much Jeno cares for him and will do _anything_ for him. It’s the best date Jaemin’s ever been on because it’s with Jeno, and every date with Jeno is the best date he’s ever been on. 

“Will you be my boyfriend?” Jeno finally asks, over dessert, and Jaemin beams. He’s half tempted to drag Jeno into the bathroom and suck him off in there, but Jeno promises they can do _whatever Jaemin wants_ when they get home, so Jaemin ceases and desists and waits impatiently for Jeno to pay the bill.

They still haven’t had sex, not since before. It means so much more now, it means everything, and after all this time, both of them are ready. Jeno is ready. Jaemin is ready. It’s time to take the next step, the last step, together, and everything between them bubbles up into red hot desire as they drive back to Jeno’s place. Jeno’s hand is on Jaemin’s thigh as he drives, moving steadily higher— Honestly, Jaemin doesn’t even know if Jeno realizes what he’s doing— And once it gets a little too close for comfort Jaemin covers it with his own. Jeno looks sideways at him, and Jaemin smiles. 

“Soon,” Jeno says. He doesn’t have to clarify what he’s talking about.

Jeno leads him inside, and Jaemin is met with a sight he couldn’t have expected, and he wants to kiss the living daylights out of Jeno because it’s so sweet and romantic and lovely and _Jeno._

“Jeno, this…” Jaemin trails off, because he doesn’t know what to say. He never really thought he’d have the opportunity to get fucked surrounded by candles and flower petals, but that’s exactly what Jeno is about to do to him. What _can_ he say? Jeno wraps his arms around him from behind, back-hugging him and pushing his face into Jaemin’s neck. “It’s too much,” Jaemin finishes finally, but he puts his hands over Jeno’s on his stomach, and Jeno can tell he likes it. 

“It’s not,” Jeno says, “It’s for you. Nothing’s too much if it’s for you.” Jaemin flushes. 

“It’s incredible,” Jaemin finally admits quietly. “No one’s ever done something like this for me before.” 

“You deserve it, though,” Jeno says into Jaemin’s shoulder, planting a kiss on the side of his neck. Jaemin stays quiet. “Will you let me…” Jeno pauses to kiss Jaemin’s neck again, and Jaemin shudders. “Will you let me make love to you?”

Jaemin is grateful that Jeno can’t see how red he turns, and he’s embarrassed, but he’s also not, because it’s _Jeno_ and he loves Jeno, though he still hasn’t told him. He hasn’t told him, mainly because he isn’t sure what love feels like, yet, but he thinks he knows. After this, he’s almost certain that he knows. “Yes,” Jaemin exhales, just a sliver of a whisper, and Jeno’s arms tighten around him. 

“Good,” Jeno says, nuzzling further into him, and Jaemin teases “What, you thought I’d say no?”

“I thought you might not be ready for it,” Jeno admits, and Jaemin feels his heart swell. No one’s ever taken such good care of him as Jeno does. No one’s ever _waited_ for him to be ready like Jeno does.

“I’m ready,” Jaemin whispers, “I’m ready for anything, as long as it’s with you.”

Jaemin can feel it when Jeno smiles against his neck. Carefully, Jeno untangles them, stepping in front of Jaemin and taking his hand. He leads the two of them further into the bedroom, pausing at the foot of the bed. Jeno opens his mouth to say something, but Jaemin shakes his head. Instead, he pushes Jeno so that he’s sitting on the bed before taking a step back. Jaemin can feel Jeno’s eyes all over him, and he likes it, but he can’t help but be a little shy. He and Jeno have never done this before.

Of course they’ve fucked, they’ve fucked so many times that Jaemin’s lost count. But everything is different, everything is _amplified_ now. Jeno has seen him naked so many times before, but as Jaemin starts to undress he can feel a different kind of tension in the room. He’s used to lust and carnal desire, because that’s what it’s always been with them. He’s not used to _want,_ the kind of want that he can feel Jeno radiating from the bed, the kind of want that goes hand-in-hand with real, genuine, romantic desire. It almost makes him shiver.

Jeno watches silently as Jaemin pulls his clothes off, one article at a time, agonizingly slow in the way that Jeno would sometimes undress when he wanted to torment Jaemin, when he wanted to show off his body and remind Jaemin of what he could never have. But when Jaemin does it it’s purer than that, it’s because he wants to be more intimate with Jeno, it’s because he wants to offer his whole self to Jeno but he’s still shy, still uncertain, because he’s never been so _raw_ like this with someone. 

When he’s finally fully undressed, Jaemin just stands there for a second, working up his courage to make his next move. He can feel Jeno admiring him, taking him all in and making his eyes glimmer with _want_. Jaemin wants him, too.

Jaemin approaches Jeno slowly, watching the way Jeno’s eyes flick up and down his body, before he reaches him on the bed. Jeno places his hands on Jaemin’s hips, and Jaemin feels like he’s on _fire,_ and he straddles Jeno, taking his face in his hands as he settles into his lap. They kiss, slow and sweet, soft and tender, and when they break apart both of their eyes are already lidded. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Jeno says softly, and Jaemin turns away, too embarrassed to take the compliment. It’s something they’re still working on, getting Jaemin to accept Jeno’s compliments. Getting him to _believe_ them. 

“Jaemin,” Jeno chides him, taking his chin in his hand and turning his face back toward his own, looking him in the eye, “You are so, so beautiful. And amazing. And _everything,_ Jaemin, you’re everything. You’re everything to me.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen, and he looks like he wants to say something, but Jeno just kisses him again. “You don’t have to say anything,” Jeno whispers into his mouth, “I just want you to know.” 

No one’s ever _loved_ Jaemin before, and certainly not like this, no holds barred and completely open. Jaemin only knows relationships that tore him apart, kisses laced with venom and every touch like acid. Jaemin only knows poison and thinly-veiled hatred and possessiveness and _control,_ over him and his body and his _being,_ It’s the reason he shut Jeno out for so long, it’s the reason he’d let Jeno have his body and nothing more. He couldn’t handle another relationship like the last.

But Jeno is different. Jeno is gentle and tender and protective and _lovely._ Jeno is soft kisses and feather-light touches and _asking permission._ Jaemin is a storm of hurt and confusion and fear, and Jeno takes him with arms wide open and not a touch of doubt. 

It’s enough to make Jaemin tear up as he sits in Jeno’s lap, something he thinks he does too often when he’s naked in bed with Jeno. But these tears aren’t sad and scared, not like the tears he shed so many months ago when Jeno was able to pull him out of his shell and break down his walls for the first time. These tears are happy tears, and every one of them is a reminder that Jeno is here and Jeno is perfect and Jeno is _his._

“I think I love you,” Jaemin blurts out, and he wants to hide his face away but he doesn’t because even though he’s scared, Jeno makes him brave. 

Jeno smiles at him, and he’s so beautiful that Jaemin just wants to cry _more._ “I love you,” Jeno says softly, and he kisses Jaemin again, every inch of his face. “I love you,” he says again, pulling back to look Jaemin in the eye, and Jaemin just wants to _burst._

“Do you believe me?” 

Jaemin wants to say yes. He wants to so, so badly. But he can’t, not yet. His last lover made sure of that.

“I don’t know,” Jaemin admits, sounding broken, and Jeno nods. 

“It’s okay,” Jeno whispers, pressing a kiss to his temple, “Let me show you.”

“Show me,” Jaemin asks in response, breathy and anxious and _ready,_ and Jeno smiles again. 

“I will,” he says simply, “Will you lay in the middle of the bed for me?” He kisses Jaemin right under his jaw as he asks, and Jaemin nods jerkily. “Thank you,” Jeno exhales, pulling away. Jaemin doesn’t want to leave him, doesn’t want to stop _touching_ him, but he climbs out of Jeno’s lap and arranges himself in the middle of the bed like Jeno asked. Jeno climbs off of the bed, lowering the lights and taking his own clothes off, and Jaemin fidgets on the bed. He admires Jeno the way Jeno admired him, and it’s nice, he thinks, to not have to hide it. Ever since the beginning, Jeno has always known Jaemin loved his body, because no matter how adamantly Jaemin denied it, his actions _always_ spoke louder than his words. It’s nice to be able to watch Jeno get undressed, in all his glory, and not have to hide the desire burning inside of him. 

They’ve done nearly everything by now, but not like this. They’ve seen each other naked, they’ve touched each other, explored one another’s bodies, they’ve kissed and touched and felt everywhere. They’ve been physical, they’ve been sensual, they’ve been intimate. 

But not like this.

Not like _this,_ not like now, not the way that feels so familiar and yet so new at the same time. Jaemin remembers being naked in bed with Jeno so long ago, like it was years ago, being naked and fucking senselessly and indifferently. It takes him back, almost, back to a time that he’s nearly forgotten about, a time that doesn’t seem possible. 

This is new to them. This is brand new and enthralling and they’re both so so _ready._ No matter what, this is different from before. No matter how many times in the past weeks and days they’ve touched, kissed, felt one another, it was never like this. 

It was never making love.

Lying in bed and waiting for Jeno sends Jaemin back a little and for a second he anticipates the mocking, but it doesn’t come. They aren’t pretending anymore, Jaemin remembers, because of course Jeno would never mock him for anything, not now. That’s another thing they’re working on. Being open, being honest. Being _real._ It’s still hard for Jaemin to let his guard down sometimes, to really show Jeno how much he means to him, but it’s getting easier. It’s getting better.

“I want you,” Jaemin says softly as Jeno approaches the bed, climbing carefully back onto it and covering Jaemin’s body with his own. 

“You have me,” Jeno says, like he always does, and Jaemin can’t help but smile. “I’m all yours,” he adds, and Jaemin bites his lip.

Jeno kisses Jaemin again, but he sets his sights elsewhere rather quickly. Jeno trails kisses along his jaw, down his neck, across his chest. With every kiss, Jaemin can feel his skin burning, can feel his heart beating faster.

“Jeno,” Jaemin gasps, and Jeno brushes his lips right over the hollow of Jaemin’s throat. Jaemin exhales shakily, clutching at Jeno’s back. 

“Shhh, baby,” Jeno whispers into Jaemin’s ear, and right now, in this moment, the way he says _baby_ makes Jaemin feel like he’s floating. He lets his hands wander, touching Jeno everywhere, but slower this time. Patiently. He knows they have all the time in the world, now.

“Before, when we were in bed,” Jaemin says, and Jeno knows he’s talking about _before_ before, and he kisses Jaemin because he _knows._ Jaemin sighs happily into his mouth before he pulls away. “I always wanted to do this,” Jaemin admits as he continues, brushing his fingers over the muscles of Jeno’s strong back, over his broad shoulders, down his chest and grazing over his abs. He knows Jeno’s biting back a smile as he does so, because Jaemin always swore Jeno’s abs did _nothing_ for him. Of course he was lying. 

“I wanted you to, too,” Jeno murmurs. Jaemin smiles up at him. 

“I wanted to do this, too,” Jeno says, grazing his fingers over Jaemin’s hip bones and then lower, caressing his thighs. Jaemin covers his face with his hands. Jeno smiles to himself, and he carefully gets off of Jaemin. He sits back, nudging Jaemin’s legs apart gently, and Jaemin lets them fall open easily. 

Jeno’s fingers brush over Jaemin’s hole and he whines. Jeno reaches for the lube, clearly intending on slicking his fingers up, but Jaemin shakes his head, tugging on Jeno’s arm. Jeno looks at him with wide eyes, and he asks, “Jaemin?” unsure if the message he’s getting from him is the right one.

“You don’t have to prep me,” Jaemin whispers, “I just want to feel you inside me. All of you. I’m ready, I’m always ready.”

“It’ll hurt,” Jeno stammers, “Jaem, I— I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It won’t,” Jaemin insists, “You won’t. You could never hurt me. Please, just… Take me, now. Take me like this. Please, Jeno. I can’t wait anymore, baby, I need you so bad. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Okay,” Jeno chokes out, hardly a whisper. Jaemin smiles at him.

“It’s okay, Jeno,” he murmurs, and then he hands Jeno the lube.

Jeno would never deny Jaemin of anything, especially not this, which they both want so badly, so he slicks his cock up obediently, aligning himself with Jaemin’s entrance. 

“Make love to me, Jeno,” Jaemin whispers, looking into Jeno’s eyes, and Jeno swallows and gives him a small nod. 

“Okay, baby.” His hands are shaking and Jaemin places his hands on Jeno’s shoulders, doing what he can to soothe him. Before he can second guess this any further, Jeno pushes all the way inside Jaemin.

It’s wondrous, Jaemin thinks, feeling Jeno splitting him open like this, feeling Jeno filling him so completely like this. And Jeno feels the same, he’s almost light headed by how _tight_ Jaemin is, clenching down on his cock and making his head spin.

“Oh my god,” Jaemin moans, “Oh my god. Jeno, Jeno, Jeno.” He’s rambling, and he can’t think straight because everything feels so good and he’s absolutely drowning, they both are, drowning in one another as their bodies fit so perfectly together.

“Jaemin,” Jeno murmurs, “Jaemin, baby, Jaemin.” He kisses Jaemin hard and Jaemin grabs one of his hands, linking their fingers together and letting their arms lie outstretched next to them on the bed, holding hands so sweetly as Jeno fills him over and over again.

It’s so different from before. It’s soft and sweet and tender and Jaemin could just burst because he knows that _he’s in love with Jeno._

“You feel so good baby, you know that?” Jeno murmurs, kissing along Jaemin’s cheek and jaw, and Jaemin gasps.

“You feel amazing, Jen,” Jaemin mumbles back, and his eyes roll back because Jeno just feels _that good._

“Look at me,” Jeno asks gently, “Jaem, look at me, please.”

It takes everything in Jaemin to do so, his head so hazy with pleasure, but he does, gazing up at Jeno through lidded eyes. 

“Thank you,” Jeno murmurs, and Jaemin lets the corners of his mouth quirk upwards. Jaemin’s eyes start to close again, and Jeno repeats, “Jaemin, baby look at me.” And Jaemin does, because he’ll do anything for Jeno.

“Jaemin,” Jeno says again, and Jaemin can hear something in his voice, something hesitant and unsure, and it surprises him because Jeno has never been unsure when it comes to _anything_ between them. 

“What is it?” He raises a hand to Jeno’s face, the one that’s not intertwined with Jeno’s brushing over his cheek.

Jeno bites his lip, his thrusts into Jaemin stilling momentarily, and he asks “Jaemin, are you mine?”

It’s a loaded question. From anyone else, it would send Jaemin running. From anyone else, it would set Jaemin off into a tailspin of panic and fear. But for once, Jaemin doesn’t think twice before he answers him. He’s unsure about a lot of things, uncertain about most things, but not this. Never this.

“I’m yours,” he responds immediately, “Jeno, I’m yours, I’m yours. All yours, only yours. Always.” Something like relief washes over Jeno’s face and he smiles broadly, leaning in to kiss Jaemin and murmur “Mine,” almost like he’s in awe that he can say such a thing. 

“Yours,” Jaemin repeats, and then he’s lost to pleasure again. 

Jaemin doesn’t know it yet, but in saying that, he’s unlocked a whole new part of Jeno. A part of Jeno that is proud, a part that is boastful and pleased and possessive, but in the purest way possible. He _loves_ Jaemin, he’ll do anything for Jaemin, and the only thing that might have been holding him back before was the uncertainty of whether or not Jaemin felt the same way. His hands move differently now, with purpose, and Jaemin whines unhappily when Jeno unlinks their fingers but it’s short lived because then he’s feeling him everywhere else. 

“Mine,” Jeno says again, low and throaty, “Mine. Mine.” He feels fucking _euphoric,_ knowing that no one else gets to touch Jaemin, not like this. Knowing that Jaemin wants him just as badly as Jeno wants him, knowing that Jaemin trusts him enough to be with him, to say what he just said. His hands travel up Jaemin’s sides, across his chest, ghosting over his neck and then cupping Jaemin’s face in his hands. 

“I’m yours too, Jaemin,” he murmurs, and Jaemin smiles lazily.

“Mm,” Jaemin hums, “I know, Jeno. I’ve always known.” 

Jeno smiles, sliding one arm between Jaemin and the bed, pulling him closer. 

“Jeno,” Jaemin gasps, “Jeno, I’m close, I’m close.” 

“Let go, baby,” Jeno says, kissing him again. And Jaemin does, arching his back and whimpering into Jeno’s mouth as he cums. Jeno hesitates, but Jaemin says “It’s okay, it’s okay, you can keep going. I want you to fill me up, Jeno.” 

“Okay,” Jeno says, and now he’s the one whose voice is shaking, but he keeps going, keeps fucking in and out of Jaemin, intoxicated by the whines that Jaemin lets out every time he thrusts back into him. 

“Jeno,” Jaemin says quietly, and Jeno might not have heard him if he wasn’t listening for it, wasn’t so incredibly tuned in to every move that Jaemin makes, every syllable he utters.

“Yeah, baby?” He’s close now, dangerously close, and he thinks Jaemin can tell by the way his thrusts are getting sloppier, lazier. 

“Jeno,” he repeats, and there’s something about the way Jaemin says his name that brings him closer to the edge. He catches Jaemin’s eye, fully expecting him to blush and look away like he always does, but Jaemin’s gaze doesn’t waver as he stares up at Jeno with wide eyes. “Jeno,” he says again, and Jeno lets out a helpless moan, and then Jaemin says “Jeno, I love you,” and that’s it for him. He cums, hips stuttering still as he kisses Jaemin again and again and again. 

“I love you,” Jeno says breathlessly in between kisses, and Jaemin smiles at him and pulls him closer. 

“Let me do something,” Jaemin says shyly, and Jeno whispers “Anything,” and Jaemin leans in. He kisses Jeno’s neck gently, and then he latches on, biting down hard and sucking a mark that Jeno won’t be able to hide. He’s never marked anyone before, he’s only ever let Jeno mark him, but he wants to now. He wants the world to know that Jeno is his, will always be his, his and no one else’s. Jeno lets out a quiet moan and then Jaemin detaches his mouth, admiring the red mark that’s blooming on Jeno’s skin. 

“I like it,” Jaemin says when he pulls away, and he looks so pleased with himself that Jeno chuckles a little. 

“Come here,” Jeno says, falling back onto the bed and pulling Jaemin on top of him, wrapping his arms around Jaemin’s back. Jaemin kisses up and down his neck, leaving marks here and there, and he thinks he knows why Jeno likes doing this to him so much.

Jeno rubs Jaemin’s back gently, but he stays quiet, clearly thinking hard. And just because they’re so attuned to one another by now, Jaemin can tell something is wrong, something’s eating at Jeno. So he asks him. “Hey, baby, what’s going on?” 

Jaemin never really calls Jeno _baby_ , usually only in a joking way and when he wants something, but now he says it because he means it. Jeno sighs. “I’m just… Thinking. About before.”

“Don’t,” Jaemin says. “Everything’s okay now.” 

“I know,” Jeno says quietly, but Jaemin knows he’s hurting. 

“It’s okay,” Jaemin whispers, “Tell me. I told you everything. You can tell me. I promise it’s okay.” He nips at Jeno’s neck and waits patiently for Jeno to start talking.

“It was so hard,” Jeno says eventually, “Jaemin, it was so hard for me to walk away. All I wanted, all I wanted was to take care of you. Every time I had to walk away, my heart broke a little more.” He looks watery-eyed now, and Jaemin kisses his cheeks. When he pulls away, he catches Jaemin’s eye. “It hurt so bad, baby,” he whispers.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin says softly, “It hurt me too. I never wanted you to leave. It was hard for me, too.”

“I never stopped thinking about you,” Jeno says, his voice growing harder, “I couldn’t. I would think about you all night, all day, all the time. I had to wonder how it would be, how things would go, if I had only stayed. I was… Jaemin, I don’t know what I was. I felt so empty. It felt so _wrong_ , and I—” 

Jaemin shushes him by kissing him chastley. “It’s okay,” he says, “It’s okay. If you’d stayed, I would have never let you come back, and you knew that. You knew you would have to wait for me, and you did, and I’ll never stop being grateful for that.” 

Jeno nods, tightening his grip on Jaemin. 

Jeno shakes his head. “I could have brought this up before, I should have, but… It didn’t feel right. I didn’t know how to tell you.” He laughs a little. “Maybe I just didn’t want to make you sad.”

“It’s okay now,” Jaemin whispers, “It’s okay. I love you. I know, now. I know what love feels like, and I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jeno responds. “I think I always loved you. It got harder and harder to walk away because every time I just fell for you more.” 

“You’re here now,” Jaemin murmurs, “You’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

“I always wanted this, too,” Jeno says off-handedly, “I always wanted to finish and just… Hold you. Talk, like this.”

“Hmm,” Jaemin says, grazing a hand over Jeno’s face, “Well, you can make up for it now.” Jeno smiles softly down at him.

“Do you want to meet my parents?” 

“I’d love to.” Jaemin grins. 

“Good. I’m sure they’d love to meet you, too. The last boyfriend they met was Mark, and… They never liked him. I should have taken that as a warning,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“I would be honored,” Jeno says, dead serious, and Jaemin gives him another kiss. 

“Thank you for waiting for me,” Jaemin murmurs, placing a hand on Jeno’s chest. “Thank you for waiting for me, and fighting for me, and always loving me. Thank you for showing me how to love again.”

“I’d do it all over again a thousand times,” Jeno replies quietly. “I’d do it over and over and over for you. I’d do anything for you.” 

Jaemin kisses him again, and all is right in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> um..... SHEESH!!! thank you so so so so so so much for reading, it means everything. i said this already but like even tho its so much smut i hope u were able to see the way their relarionship developed throughout and ... yeah. jfc im talking a lot, do ppl who write actual plot driven stuff talk this much or is that just me over compensating? please let me know your thoughts, any and all comments are greatly appreciated xoxoxox ilysm


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